Time to Push the Panic Button?

Well, the NFL season is 1/16th of the way to the playoffs, and it’s already readily apparent that certain teams won’t be there. While football is capable of providing champions, heroes, and inspirations, for some reason it’s more fun to dwell on the negative - especially early in the year when everyone is unrealistically optimistic about their team. This has the added benefit of allowing me to write about almost all of the NFC North, which I’ve been following a little more closely as a Bears fan. So, without delay, I’m letting you know which 0-1 teams are still ok, and which 0-1 teams need to be at Defcon 3. After all, these guys are on pace to go 0-16.

Oakland Raiders
I was actually somewhat impressed with the Raiders on opening night. The offense is going to be tough to stop, and apparently they actually kind of have a run defense. That said, the next update for Madden should include a chip that makes it impossible to switch the passing cone away from Randy Moss when playing with Collins. You could still throw to other receivers; you’d just either have to wait until they were in the same sight line as Moss or risk putting up a horribly inaccurate duck. Anyway: DON’T PANIC

Minnesota Vikings
It looks pretty obvious at this point that the Randy Moss trade is going to go down with the Herschell Walker deal and Anderson’s first miss of the 1998 season as one of the truly awful moments in a long history of them. The Vikings definitely belong on the list of cursed franchises and for some reason don’t get much national recognition for this. Probably warrants its own column. Anyway, after spending all of that money on defense, they’ve probably upgraded to “average.” The problem is the offense is average as well, and I’m not sure if Mike Tice has any idea of how to win a football game without scoring 35 points. Red McCombs is starting to earn a reputation as the real-life equivalent of that guy in your fantasy league who you have to make at least one trade with to win the title. What’s happened here as that the Vikings believed the hype that Daunte Culpepper was going to become the black Peyton Manning…whereas what they really had was Kerry Collins with a little bit of scrambling ability. Whoops! PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON

Denver Broncos
Let’s see…Bailey’s hurt, no more Portis, Anderson’s hurt indefinitely, Jake Plummer is still the Quarterback, and they lost to the Dolphins. I rest my case. Time to panic.

Tennessee Titans
They got waxed by a good team (Pittsburgh), which is always a tough read. I wouldn’t recommend pushing the panic button at this point. This is because it should already be firmly depressed from losing Samari Rolle, Derek Mason, and about half of their defense to the salary cap over the last two years.

Chicago Bears
Theoretically the offense should get better as the year goes on, what with a rookie QB, a new coordinator, a new primary weapon, and a blue-chip running back that hasn’t really gotten at all involved yet. Unfortunately I’ve learned not to hold my breath waiting for their offense to come around. The defense is good enough that I won’t push the button yet, especially with the NFC North looking like one of the worst divisions in any sport this year, but they’re one bad game against Detroit away.

Carolina Panthers
Is this field regulation size? Honetsly, I feel a little bit bad for Panthers fans, since they can’t be seriously pissed about their team losing at home to a division rival on multiple debatable calls without coming off like jerks for disliking the Saints. That said, I’m assuming that their receivers will learn how to stay in bounds, so I’m not going to panic yet.

Seattle Seahawks
Honestly, I didn’t watch any of this game and hardly saw any highlights. But it’s the Seahawks. They haven’t won a playoff game since 1984. Just push the button.

Houston Texans
Remember the beginning of last season when David Carr, Andre Johnson, and Domanick Davis were supposed to be the next Aikman/Irvin/Smith or Manning/Harrison/James? That was fun, wasn’t it? I could actually see them winding as more of the Run TMC of the NFL: always entertaining, occasionally spectacular, but ultimately unsatisfying as a trio. Anyway, they’re not doing anything this year. Push the button.

Cleveland Browns
If you were seriously entertaining playoff hopes for this team at any point in during the off-season, you’re a better fan than I am.

NY Jets
The defense doesn’t worry me a whole ton – the Chiefs are going to run on everyone, and might even have two running back hit 1000 yards and ten TDs on the same team, provided Priest stays off of the injured list and LJ stays out of prison – and Pennington has always been up and down, so I’m not too worried there either. But Curtis Martin getting shut down is a major red flag. This could be his “wow, he totally lost it quick” year. I’d also like to point out that they just didn’t re-sign LaMont Jordan. I don’t have to tell New York fans to push the panic button; it’s the one thing they’ve always been great at.

Green Bay Packers
Ok, I’ll get this out of the way first. The Packers looked awful in pretty much every way possible last week. And I’m not convinced that the Lions are top-tier opposition. But as I was thinking about this, I realized what it is that makes Brett Favre so great. It’s not that he has a cannon for an arm, unless you want to save places in Canton for Kerry Collins and Kyle Orton. If you’re a Packers fan, or he’s on your fantasy team, there’s at least one remote-throwing moment per game. There are certain circumstances under which he still hasn’t figured out how to play well (like indoors and in hot weather), even after 15 years in the league. And like Coach Ditka, he’s idolized for winning one Super Bowl with a nucleus that should probably have won two or three. What makes Favre great is that the Packers do this every year. They always start out poorly, and since Favre’s a year older and they’ve usually lost some people, they usually get written off. Then Favre leads them roaring back into the playoffs, where they usually implode because they’re a 6-10 team that’s been surviving off of his willpower alone. Well, this year I’m not falling for it…don’t push the panic button yet.

San Diego Chargers
I know that their secondary made it look like we had all taken a trip in Rufus’s Phone Booth and were watching 1996 Drew Bledsoe throwing to 1998 Keyshawn Johnson. The thing is, Brees, who was their biggest question mark going in, looked good. They probably would have won with Antonio Gates in the end zone at the end of the game. That one game suspension was about the dumbest possible resolution I could have imagined to the Gates holdout. It made a statement, but not a pretty weak one, and it wound up costing them a game. But I can’t panic yet on the Bolts, especially not when they still have the best theme song in the NFL.

(say it with me, San Di-e-go Su-per Charg-ers, San Di-e-go, Su-per Charg-ers)

St. Louis Rams
Here’s the thing about the Rams: now that Randy Moss is gone, Javon Walker is hurt, and Donovan McNabb is less than 2 weeks away from a season ending “Madden Curse” injury, they might be the only team in the NFC with a passing attack that actually scares people. So even with a bad defense and a bad coach I wouldn’t panic just yet.

Arizona Cardinals
It seems like Kurt Warner hasn’t been quite the same player since leaving the Rams. Who would have guessed that playing on a team with two Pro Bowl receivers, a Hall of Fame running back in his prime, one of the best offensive head coaches of all time, and third and fourth receivers that could have started for most teams at that time would help a Quarterback’s numbers so much? Anyway, the problem with the preseason buzz this team got was that it was mostly “somebody has to win the NFC West” buzz as opposed to “this team could actually be a threat in the NFC” buzz, which the Rams and Seahawks were at least getting in some circles. So yes, I’m ready to push the button after one loss.

Baltimore Ravens
Jamal Lewis was definitely less than 100% (at least I hope since he’s on my fantasy team), and the defense looked awesome but still allowed 24 points. Fortunately, most other teams they play don’t have Peyton Manning, so I don’t think that will continue. The bigger question is this: What exactly makes this team different from the Bears or Redskins? Other than the occasional 200-yard game from Lewis, they have absolutely no chance to win games with their offense. Yet somehow they manage to consistently stay at least around .500 and generally feel like a borderline contender, while those other teams are usually dead in the water by week 10. I just don’t get it. This could be the year that something gives, but I’m not pushing the panic button yet.

Philadelphia Eagles
Losing to the Falcons on the road isn’t the end of the world, especially after losing one of their better defensive players for the game (albeit due to his own idiocy) and getting a very sub-par performance from McNabb. That said, I really don’t buy the idea that teams can win without at least some semblance of chemistry, and it’s very possible that they’ll completely implode and go the way of the last few Super Bowl losers. I’ll say it’s not time to panic yet, but if McNabb breaks his collarbone in week 4 it will be. And Eagles fans will have EA Sports to thank.