Losing Touch With Reality

Like most things that can be done for free on the internet, fantasy leagues, especially football, have seen a massive boom in popularity in the last five years or so. It’s gotten to the point where I’m a little bit hesitant to trust a male between 20 and 35 who doesn’t play fantasy sports, much like any guy under 30 who doesn’t play video games at all.

For the most part, this has helped to create a better, more educated fan. In the past, people really only followed the elite teams in the league, as well as their home team and division rivals, however, now each fan pays at least some attention to every team in the league. For example, right now if I had to write down the starting and backup Quarterback and halfback, top three receivers, and starting tight end for every team in the NFL, I’d probably get at least 85% of them right, and I doubt anyone in my league would do worse than 60%. This knowledge isn’t at all useful in any other area of life, and honestly it’s not even really that helpful in a fantasy league, but you just kind of absorb it. In addition, we now care about any development that might have the slightest impact on any individual player’s performance. However, I think that sometimes, we may be looking a little too closely and allowing our fantasy interests to influence our perceptions of the actual game. Some of these misconceptions are already starting to influence the actions of GMs and coaches in addition to fans. So, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to point out the five major misconceptions I’ve noticed, before things get too out of hand.

Misconception #1 - Yardage Makes the Team: This actually goes back to before fantasy football and has to do with the way that teams are ranked offensively and defensively, although FFL has definitely made things worse. Apparently at some point it was decided that total yardage should be used to rank offenses and defenses in the NFL, which is kind of like ranking baseball teams by the number of hits they get/allow, or NBA teams by the number of shot attempts. What was wrong with just ranking them by how many points they score/allow? I understand that people are trying to evaluate the offensive and defensive “units” of a team, but isn’t the best offensive team the one that can score the most points, even if they do it because they score with their special teams and defense and usually have good field position? The problem is that you can’t really separate a team’s offensive and defensive success in football any more than you can in basketball or soccer. Even though different players involved, each unit feeds off of (or is held back by) the other.

Misconception # 2 – A Great Offense Starts With a Great Running Back: While Mark may wish to dispute this, fantasy football teams are largely built around the running back position. What a lot of people forget is that the running back is the third or fourth most important player on most running plays (behind the blockers immediately involved), and is really only important on passing plays when the defense sends the house or the offensive line screws up. Because of this, on a real football team, the running back is like one of the regular employees at Target or Best Buy - it helps to have someone consistently great, and it hurts to have someone woefully incompetent, but very few people are good or bad enough to make a noticeable difference – right now in the NFL, Tomlinson is an all-time great, Alexander and LJ are good enough to make a difference, and that’s really about it. Just imagine, if there was a massive trade this summer where Fred Taylor, Cadillac Williams, Dominic Rhodes, the Jones Triplets, Reuben Droughns, Deuce McAllister, Willie Parker, Travis Henry, Willis McGahee, Tatum Bell, Chester Taylor, Rudi Johnson, Ronnie Brown, Frank Gore, Jamal Lewis, and Edgerrin James all changed teams…would anyone really get noticeably better or worse? Am I nuts for thinking that all of those guys are pretty much interchangeable? If anything, the teams getting the less established guys would benefit because of the cap space. By the way, that was more than half of the starting running backs in the NFL.

Misconception #3 – Running Back Committees are Killing the NFL: Let’s face the facts – Marion Barber III has 11 rushing TDs this year, third in the NFL. Brandon Jacobs has 8. Maurice Jones-Drew and Joseph Addai have 7. Cedric Benson and Mike Bell have 5. All six of those guys, by the way, have more touchdowns than the “starting” running backs on their respective teams, and Jacobs is the only one in the group that would be considered a goal-line back. Within the last few years, the Chiefs, Bears, Saints, and Patriots have all used first-round picks on running backs when they already had accomplished starters they weren’t planning to get rid of, which would have once been considered insanity. The running back by committee era has started, and it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better. I wouldn’t even be shocked if, within ten years, running backs are on a “touch count,” like starting pitchers, and coaches won’t let them get the ball more than 20-25 times a game.

This has two obvious effects on fantasy football – one is that the “stud” running back is an endangered species, much like the manatee. In most years there have been 5 or 10 backs that could be counted on for 15-30 points every week, now there’s really just Tomlinson and Johnson (the Alexander and Portis injuries haven’t helped either). The other effect is that there are now 40-50 running backs who can be expected to at least get a few touches in every game, so you rarely have people being forced into starting Troy Hambrick or Zack Crockett, and both of these developments make fantasy football a lot less fun. But are they really bad for the NFL? Running backs should stay healthier and have longer careers, offenses have more different looks available, there’s more potential for locker room dissension and infighting, and there are that many more crazy personalities to follow…I don’t see any downside here. I don’t think people would even hate Shannahan if not for fantasy football, although I think he does this to the point that it’s detrimental to his team (especially if he’s going to do this with the quarterback, too).

Misconception #4 – Turnovers Don’t Matter: I don’t think that any football fans actually think this, at least not when watching a game they have a rooting interest in, but I do think that very few leagues penalize turnovers nearly enough, and that this has started to affect the way that people evaluate certain players and teams. I’m basing this off of two things – one, that everyone thought the Bengals were struggling early this season because Palmer wasn’t throwing for enough TDs and yards, when the real problem was that he was fumbling too much (which has improved along with the other #s - and no, I probably wouldn't have noticed this if he wasn't on my fantasy team), and two, that multiple people considered Daunte Culpepper to be one of the best QBs in the league in his prime, despite the fact that he was a mortal lock to average at least 1.5 turnovers per game.

Misconception #5 – Numbers Don’t Lie: You’d probably think I was crazy if I said that London Fletcher was the best defensive player in the league right now, wouldn’t you? Or that DeMeco Ryans and Kerry Rhodes were better than Brian Urlacher? Of course you would, even though both of those things are true in our fantasy league. Because you’re still used to evaluating defensive players by, of all things, watching football games that they play in. Unfortunately, average fans now have to be able to evaluate every offensive player, not just the Pro Bowlers and the ones on their favorite team. And since few people have the time or desire to watch every game in the league (and even if you do, a lot of the games happen at the same time), we now evaluate offensive players based almost exclusively on their statistics.

The problem is, statistics aren’t perfect. If Tony Romo bounces a pass off of a defensive back’s hands, and TO scores a touchdown, it looks exactly the same on your fantasy league page as it would if it was a perfect strike. If TO drops a pass, it looks the same as if Romo missed him by five yards (I’m using these two as examples since I’m watching the Cowboys-Saints game right now, and because neither of those players get nearly enough attention. As far as the game goes, let’s just say that the Saints are starting to scare me a little bit as a Bears fan, and the Cowboys scare me even less than they did before this week). The second-best receiver often outperforms the primary receiver on a team because of the way defenses cover them (Owens and Terry Glenn, TJ Houshmanzadeh and 85 in the first half of this season, Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce a few years ago, Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne – an up-and-coming Holt/Bruce situation btw, Marques Colston and Joe Horn, etc.). The #2 running back on a team always gets more yards per carry than the starter, even though they’re rarely actually better.

Or, for a historical example, look at Gayle Sayers – in his best season (1966), he had over 1600 combo yards and 10 TDs, which would make him a borderline fantasy stud. If you take his second-best season (1969), he would have had fewer fantasy points (in our league) through 14 games than, among others, Chester Taylor, Kevin Jones, Joseph Addai, Rudi Johnson, Marion Barber, Thomas Jones, and Reggie Bush. He’d be a #2 running back at best. Or, for a more recent example, look at John Elway’s 1998 season. You’d think that you’d take the 1998 John Elway over anyone in the league but Manning and maybe Palmer or Brady (who is an average fantasy quarterback). Not if you were starting a fantasy team. If you were doing that, you’d rather have Jon Kitna.

There are some things that could help a little with this. I think it’d be a good idea to penalize turnovers that lead to points more harshly, or give quarterbacks and defenses ten points for a win, or give points for getting first downs, but fantasy scoring is already too complicated for a lot of people. So all I’m asking is that you vt readers not be part of the problem. Just watch as many real games as fantasy ones for the rest of the season, and form your opinions based on the former.

An Un-Inspired Re-Mix

You would think that someone whom enjoys blogging and writing (especially about sports) would have plenty to say after a five months of silence. You might also think that the given all that is currently going on in the world of sports (World Series, end of the PGA Tour season, the NFL season in full-swing, and the NBA season tipping off in less than a week), it would be easy to think of many topics to write about in an article. However, if you think that both of these things are true, you are mistaken – very mistaken.

Before I started typing this “article,” I was going to write about the top ten athletic achievements occurring in my lifetime. I thought it sounded like a great piece, and the idea stemmed from a question posed on my facebook profile wall by Owen Handy a few weeks ago. We were discussing the end of the Braves run of division titles, when I told him (rather off-handedly) that I felt it was one of the top three athletic accomplishments of my lifetime (yes, “3” was an arbitrary and random number I selected for no reason at all). Naturally for Owen (especially if you know him), he wanted to hear my thoughts. Here are his exact words (dated September 13th, 2006):

“What would you list as the ten most significant athletics accomplishments of your lifetime? As an aside, I feel obligated to say that when I was watching Agassi's final match as a professional I felt that I was watching one of the great sportsmen of my lifetime play for the last time, so I would also like to know the top 10 sportsmen of your lifetime. I realize that these may take some time.”

I have been completely stumped by this question. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I have started cataloguing a few ideas (Tiger Woods will be prominently involved), but it is going to take me a lot longer to come up with a coherent list that I can truly say is my definitive Top Ten for either category. Sorry you are going to wait for a while longer for that one - the idea is just a bit too grandiose for me at the moment.

The next topic I thought about covering was the Sports Guy’s impending “retirement” from ESPN. He made a Tiki Barber reference in his NFL column today so that his fans won’t be completely surprised when he pulls a Barry Sanders in a few months. Here is his exact quote:

"By the way, in case you haven't heard, Tiki Barber has been plugging away for 10 years, and even though he has 2-3 solid years left in him, he's quitting this winter to pursue other ventures. Um, Tiki? That was gonna be my move! You stole my idea! I'm outraged! Now I'm going to look like a copycat if it happens. Great."

Now, Mark and I have discussed (quite often actually) his impending retirement. I found out a few months of ago as I was randomly searching on the internet and came across a very interesting and enlightening interview with him on Sports Illustrated’s website. He makes mention of the fact that he never wanted to just be the Sport’s Guy for his entire career and is ready to start pursuing other kinds of writing (ie, TV/movie scripts). Here’s a link to that Chris Ballard article (article), and I recommend it to any Bill Simmons fan out there (sidenote: I checked out the sons of the sports guy website mentioned in the article (SOTSG), and I thought it was the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Crap like this would make me seriously consider other options as well). However, I have decided that I would rather hold off comments on Simmons until his official retirement from ESPN at the end of winter.


Well, obviously you can see that I am struggling to come up with a topic to write about for this article. So, I started to think about what (in sports) have I devoted significant amounts of time towards in the past few months? Since I live in West Virginia and go to Medical School, I have not seen my Falcons play a single game this season. I haven’t watched any Braves games since the beginning of August, so I really can’t comment on the state of the team heading into next year. I have read every preview about my Atlanta Hawks this season, but I know that the franchise will never turn the corner until the ownership issue is settled (predicted to be settled before the playoffs by Scoop Jackson today in his NBA preview – thank God). Thus, there is no real point in really commenting (however, since I cannot resist commenting, here’s a quick summary – we will battle the Bobcats for the last spot in the Southeastern Division all year. Shocking, I know). So, I have decided to take the easy way out for this post. I am going to publish an unfinished response (that is going to be EXTREMELY dated) to Mark’s article back from October 25, 2005 (almost one year ago today) with new comments added in italics. I realize this kind of article is not the kind of high level work many of you have come to expect from the VT, but I do think it is still an enjoyable article. Also, I am finishing up another quality, unfinished article from that same time period. I am going to get both articles up this weekend, and hopefully two old (but new to you) columns can/will fulfill my quota for the month of October. Before you read what is below, check out Mark’s original VT article “Fantasy Football’s Most Robust Performers,” so that you can be familiar with the ideas I am responding to below. Here’s a link.

******

Below is the article where I last left it almost a year to the day. There are unfinished thoughts and misspelling a plenty, but I am just going to add my comments to it as it currently stands. Remember, my new thoughts from today are in italics.

My ReBUTTal:
- Peyton Manning is not a bust. While he has been disappointing, I’m not sure how someone who is in the top 10 in the league in ANY category (unless it is a negative one) can be considered a bust. He’s in the top 10 in both passing yards and TD’s. He’s having a typical good year for a QB. Not meeting expectations means that you are disappointment. I reserve the BUST category for much more significant failures to produce. Also, one more side note, I predicted in the off-season that Peyton wouldn’t throw for 40 TD this season. No one believed me, but then again no one believes me on stuff like this. Finally, I don’t want to hear the counter-argument that because Peyton when #1 overall in some drafts that it makes him more of bust. People who take QB’s in the first round are fools in my opinion anyways. You are looking for consistency and quality in the first two rounds of a draft, which is why wise owners always go RB. I totally predicted a relative “decline” for Peyton last year. Of course, THIS year, fantasy Running Backs have been the BUSTS, so I guess I have no idea what players to take in the first round of a fantasy football draft.

- Stephen Davis may have BUSTed out from a TD standpoint (7), but he still is averaging less than 3 yards per carry (2.7). If averaging less than 3 yards per carry makes Kevin Jones a BUST, the same argument should counter any notion that Davis is a breakout. Of course my opinion on this matter has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I traded all of Davis’ Touchdowns for the oft-injured Julius Jones. This trade went on to ruin my fantasy football season. Julius Jones missed a few more games with nagging injuries (pretty much the whole year he was injured) and put up horrible numbers even when he was playing. Eventually I became so fed up with Julius Jones that I benched him during Week 16 when I was playing Girden for 3rd place in our league. Julius exploded for 218 yards and 2 TDs. I wanted to kill him. I traded him to Noah before the start of this year to move up in the draft to take Willie Parker (who’s been inconsistent himself – horrible on the road but great at home). I guess I can’t win. The lesson is to always play your “studs” regardless of how inconsistent they maybe be because you never know what may happen (note: I had to relearn this lesson this year when I lost last week because I had Hines Ward on the bench for his 8 catch, 171 yard, 3 TD game).

- On a completely unrelated side note, anytime I hear the word comBUSTable, I am reminded of the Cosby Show. Apparently Bill was known as Heathcliff “The ComBUSTable” Huxtable. It was featured in the episode where his old 4 x 400 relay team challenged his old collegiate rivals. Not sure how this actually applies to this article, but I wanted to show my versatility as a writer based on my ability to reference many different cultural phenomena. Also, I realize that the Cosby Show reference in no way did that. Looking back on this comment, I still laugh (even if you didn’t). However, now when I think of the Cosby Show, the scene from High Fidelity where Jack Black makes fun of John Cusak’s horrible sweater by calling it a “Cosby sweater.” I still hate Jack Black and think he is highly overrated as a comedian, but that scene always makes me laugh.

- I also wanted to add Clinton Portis to the BUSTing the Seams Category. He’s on his way to a huge second half now that he’s gotten over his TD drought. Of course, this is probably wishful thinking on my part. In my opinion and regardless of the numbers, he’s still the 2nd best overall back in the league behind LDT. He always gets easily over 100 yards a week, and the TD’s will come like rain this second half. Also, stay tuned for an upcoming article on why CP is so sweet. Of course, I tease about upcoming articles a lot, so consider yourself warned. I guess I am still a tease. Oh well. Portis did go on a big TD run to close the season (and propel me to the fantasy football playoffs). Of course, he is still really inconsistent and his poor performance last week helped me lose to Seume in the aforementioned Hines Ward game.

- As far as Perennial BUSTs, I’ll admit that I bought the Michael Bennett hype this year. I’m pretty sure that I spent a 4th round pick on the man, which is way too high. Luckily, I was able to trade him away before he ever played a game for my storied fantasy football franchise. Of course, there is nothing storied or heroic about my franchise’s history, but nonetheless I will never again will I buy the Michael Bennett hype. I actually promise (with all two or our readers as my witnesses) to never have Bennett on my team again. I’m not wavering on this issue; it’s that serious. Michael Bennett is now on his 3rd team since this article was originally written (he was traded to the Saints before they drafted Reggie Bush and then the Chiefs acquired him to help back up Larry Johnson since Priest Holmes has still not recovered from his injuries). The Rams also signed the above mentioned Stephen Davis this year as well to help back-up LJ.

- As far as Brain Greise, I still think he’s a legitimate FF QB. Of course, he’s injured and out for the year, so you might want to think of other options for the rest of this season. Essentially my love of Greise stems from my ability to pick him up last year after he became the starter in Tampa Bay. He threw for 20 TDs over the last two-thirds of the season, which of course translates to 30 over a full season. Only Peyton Manning owners would complain about a season with these numbers from their starting QB. Of course, with the emergence of Cadillac Williams (how good are SEC RBs by the way), Greise probably wasn’t going to be able to duplicate his numbers from last season anyways. The SEC RB comment kills me. Cadillac has been an injury prone disappointment pretty much since this article was originally written. He’s played well the last few weeks since the QB change, but I am pretty sure Ekwall would trade him in a second if he received a decent offer). Greise went on to sign in the off-season with the Bears. Rex Grossman has played well enough this season (except for the Arizona game and he bounces back this weekend against the 49ers) that no one really ever expects Greise to play this season at all. He did carry me the year before this article was written as hilarious as it is to think of him as a legitimate fantasy QB now.

- Finally, my response to Mark’s inflammatory and controversial opening follows. First of all, to our one female reader out there who may have been offended, I apologize. I’m personally as face and smile guy, but Mark didn’t set up the debate that way. I think I was trying desperately to be funny and clever. Also, I have always played up being a sensitive guy to the girls (even though I am not – ask all two girls that have been in a relationship with me). The dichotomy exists, and I am squarely a BUTT man. Also, who was I kidding, no females read the VT.

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Well, thanks for taking the stroll down memory lane with me. Sorry it was so complicated, but I hope that it was still enjoyable and you had plenty of things to read and check out (Simmons’ interview, Sons of the Sports Guy website, and my previously unreleased article). I’ll see you with one more article in a few more days about my favorite commercial of all-time.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

A few months back I wrote an article detailing a few holidays that I wanted to see added to the corporate calendar. Well, I must now admit that a late retraction is needed, as I incredibly left what is swiftly becoming my favorite holiday of the year. I am speaking, of course, not of Labor Day, which most schools and companies respect for some reason, but of fantasy draft day.

Think about it – is there a better holiday of the entire year anymore? 80% of holidays are either spent with one’s family or one’s friends in the area – in other words, people you see every week. Draft day involves seeing good buddies that, in some cases, you only see that weekend. It also generally involves traveling, time off work, and drinking. Other than the option to wear ridiculous costumes in public and the impression of some sort of vague historical significance, there really isn’t anything missing.

This year we had our draft in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If you haven’t been, it’s one of those places that only exists in the South and the Midwest – it’s not easy to get to from anywhere, there’s nothing truly unique about it, and it’s inexplicably the biggest tourist trap in the state. We came to refer to it as the destination for people who don’t think Las Vegas is white trashy enough.

I’ll spare you all the details of the trip, although I will say it was everything a trip like that should be. I will go ahead and run down the first round of the draft, taking the opportunity to comment briefly on each team (apologies to those of you now reading about a fantasy league that you aren’t in, but I figure at this point you’d be happy just to be reading something on this page…)

1) L.A. Bias – Reggie Bush (keeping Culpepper, Lewis, and Dillon) – Sadly, because of some absolutely horrendous traffic “downtown,” a few of us didn’t make the beginning of the draft. So, while I really hope somebody managed to bust out a clip of Reggie saying, “I can’t believe you picked me first. That was dumb,” I can’t verify it. Now would be a good time to mention that this is a keeper league, so the pick wasn’t really all that awful – or surprising considering that Beau, who co-owns the team with Sexley, is currently attending USC and would want to support the one-time National Champions. Unfortunately, in this case the three keepers are Daunte Culpepper, Corey Dillon, and Jamal Lewis…things are so bad that Sexley has already resorted to posting a link to a dating service on the league page in an effort to provide distraction to the other owners. And I think I just made Rick’s head explode from coming up with ways to rip on us after that sentence.

2) Lewbombs – Willie Parker (keeping Portis, Hines Ward, and DeShaun Foster) – After last Thursday this is looking like a good pick. In our league Lewis is the guy who always does his homework and rarely makes questionable moves, but somehow only ends up with a slightly above-average team. This year he’s stuck dealing with the Portis situation. At this point, you pretty much know what you’re getting from DeShaun Foster. A DeShaun Foster season is not unlike Adam Sandler’s film career – a couple of brilliant performances, two or three stink bombs, three or four ok games, and an appearance on the injured list.

3) MEMBTR – Antoino Gates (keeping Chris Chambers, Stephen Jackson, and Kevin Jones) – I can understand this pick – Gate was the only legitimate star left on the board at this point, and I would have probably taken him, too…but unless you have GREAT keepers, taking a tight end in the first round is going to leave you woefully deficient at other positions. This was no exception, as Tan now is going to be starting either Maroney or one of the Jets running backs in the flex and Aaron Brooks at QB. Did I mention I play him twice this season? I love my schedule this year.

4) Longfellows – Chester Taylor (keeping Domanick Davis, Steve Smith, and LaMont Jordan) – The season hasn’t even started and Rob has already positioned himself as the team that would have been really good if everyone hadn’t gotten injured (he wound up with Darrel Jackson, too). Having had that team for the last two years in our league, I’ll just say I hope it causes Rob less frustration than it caused me.

5) Ek’s Machine – Mike Bell (keeping Cadillac Williams, Carson Palmer, and Reuben Droughns) – I wound up getting the guy I wanted in the first round. Not only should this give me a solid #3 runner, but you will also all get to enjoy the Tavern’s first “Mike Shanahan must die” article sometime this season…

6) KC Cocks – Wali Lundy (keeping Shaun Alexander, Ronnie Brown, and Larry Fitzgerald) – Probably the high point of the draft…Seume later realized that he had actually been looking at the wrong page of his cheat sheet. It’s a good thing, too, because this actually wound up being a pretty scary team. Although he also didn’t set his lineup before the Thursday game…and he had Ronnie Brown and the Steelers defense…so there’s a decent chance he ends up being That Guy that has a decent team but botches it by either not setting his lineup regularly or by making some awful trade. It’s usually been Noah, but he seems to be turning over a new leaf, and there HAS to be one That Guy in every league. It’s some kind of weird rule like the Madden Curse (which is the other reason this team isn’t as frightening as it could be. And yes, I did make sure to draft Maurice Morris).

7) Balkan Hawks – Ahman Green (keeping Marvin Harrison, Torry Holt, and Rudi Johnson) – This represents the That Guy who can’t make the draft and has his friend call in the picks, although it’s defensible in this case since he was in Europe and the draft probably ended at 4 am Macedonian time. It’s also a pseudo co-ownership, as the friend drafting also managed the team for a few weeks during a similar situation, infamously dropping Donovan McNabb (in a keeper league)…after some of these picks, I can’t imagine this draft is going to go over much better.

8) Zak Attack – Donald Driver (keeping Tomlinson, Westbrook, and Boldin) – Yes, I know, it’s a pretty bad reach. But he could have a pretty good season. This was supposed to be the Deadly Dental Duo’s pick, but they traded it, and another one later, for Willis McGahee. Yeah, I’m not really sure why, either.

9) Rayclops – Santana Moss (keeping Manning, Julius Jones, and Warrick Dunn) – Surprisingly Noho had a very solid draft to go with some solid keepers. See what I mean by turning over a new leaf? There’s still a lot of suspicion that he’s going to revert to his old ways and make some hideous trade that helps someone else (probably either Rob, Lewis, or Mark) make the championship game. I love it when stuff like this gets to the point where it’s predictable.

10) Zak Attack – Joseph Addai – Another borderline reach. I don’t know how Girden ended up with such a good team. But anyway, this happens every year with at least one team…there’s a disputed running back situation where the #2 guy goes before the #1 in almost every draft because the second guy allegedly has more talent (Tatum Bell is usually involved in at least one of these). When are people going to learn? I mean, who do you think is going to judge someone’s ability as a running back? You based on a couple preseason and college games, or an NFL coach based on an entire training camp with multiple practices every day? Actually, depending on who the coach is, hold that thought.

11) Longfellows – Frank Gore – Another pick via trade. A few picks before this, Mark, who drafted at the end of the first and was keeping two receivers, threw out the “gee, you guys really like running backs” comment. FYI, the teams out of the first round were the Deadly Dental Duo (with McGahee, Edgerrin James, and Reggie Wayne) and AARP (Larry Johnson, Randy Moss, and Deuce McAllister)…but if you’re still reading this there’s a 98% chance you’re in the league and already knew that.

12) GoldMEMber – Fred Taylor (keeping Tiki Barber, Terrel Owens, and Chad Johnson) – Unsurprisingly Mark’s already unloaded Taylor for Reggie Wayne, forming yet another three receiver team. It worked last year, but he also had Carson Palmer, Barber, and Mike Anderson, so it’s a little unfair to refer to that squad as a receiver team. While the phrase “it’s hard not to like Mark’s keepers” isn't really accurate, it IS hard not to admit that they’re good.

And that’s probably way more information than you wanted. Here’s how my team wound up:

Keepers:
RB Cadillac Williams
QB Carson Palmer
RB Reuben Droughns

Draft:
RB Mike Bell
WR Derrick Mason (I traded the 2nd round pick for Palmer, which should help explain this)
WR Drew Bennet
DEF Chicago (Every year I tell myself I’m not taking a defense early…and every year it still happens. I just can’t make myself not do it. Ugh.)
TE Jason Witten
RB Duce Staley (My only really bad pick, at least for now. At least I managed to cut him before the Steelers did.)
WR Michael Clayton
WR Deion Branch
RB Maurice Morris
QB Ben Roethlisberger
IDP Lofa Tatapu
K Matt Stover
WR Antwaan Randle El (also already gone…and we complain when athletes are disloyal)

All in all, I think it should be a solid team if everyone stays healthy, Mike Bell stays out of the doghouse, and either I add a receiver somehow or Michael Clayton reveals that he played the entire 2005 season with a broken femur and it’s better now. With any luck it’s a playoff team, but that’s probably too many ifs for me to realistically predict I’m winning the league.

So who’s taking it? Looking over the league quickly, other than mine, there are five teams that could realistically win it with something resembling the rosters they have now: Rayclops, AARP, KC Cocks, Zak Attack, and Goldmember. I’m throwing out Rayclops because of his history of botching decent-looking teams, AARP because they’re going to have Quarterback problems all year (right now it’s Mike Vick and Chris Simms), and KC Cocks because they have to deal with the Madden Curse and there’s just no way anyone should win the league after making the worst pick of the first round. Which leaves Zak Attack and Goldmember in the final. I’m going with Zak Attack. I just don’t like to bet against Tomlinson, plus there’s a decent chance TO will have done something to get himself kicked out of the league at that point.

Ah, screw it. I’m winning this thing.

Fantasy Football's most robust performers...

I don’t believe in dualism. Let me just get that out there; there is not a great evil force and a great good force fighting for domination of the Universe. Well, at least, the great evil force and good force are not on equal footing. I believe there is a God, and a devil, but the devil is just one of God’s creations who thought he was better than everyone else. Why the theological/philosophical diatribe you ask? Because, when it comes to one area in this universe, I believe dualism exists. You’re intrigued, aren’t you? Let me explain…
In this world there are two types of (straight) men. There are bust men, and there are butt men. It’s really that simple. I do not know any more simple or more accurate way of dividing men into classes (actually they are more like casts, once you are one, you can never change). Now, don’t get me wrong here, it’s not that bust men don’t appreciate a nice looking rear end (hind sight is, after all, 20/20), or that butt men can’t enjoy the visual beauty of a girl with more “upside”. There are even some non-committal type males out there that would wimpishly say “I’m both”, or “I don’t really have a preference one way or another, I’m kinda into both”. This is, of course, hogwash. Every man is, at the deepest center of his being, one or the other. There is no gray, only black and white.

I AM A BUST MAN! I can’t deny it. I don’t know if I was born that way, or somehow socially sculpted into being a bust man. Maybe it’s a European thing (though my research would suggest otherwise). I don’t know why, I just know that I am. It’s just my general preference. “I am therefore I am”. I think that covers it. And so, in honor of my appearance preference, and in honor of the virtual midpoint of the fantasy football season, I’m doing an all-bust team article extravaganza! And no matter what you personal preference, I think you’ll be able to find something enjoyable about my way of breaking down the fantasy football landscape…

BUSTS: to all those players out there who have taken pre-season expectations and turned them into a figurative metaphor represented by a big field, and then run out to the middle of that field, dropped their shorts, and taken a big fat dump on it. That’s right, I just put that mental picture into your head!
Daunte Culpepper: This man has been the embodiment of the Fantasy Football bust. The Pamela Anderson or Dolly Parton of busts, if you will. He was a keeper in one of my leagues, and a 2nd overall pick in the other (note: for other teams, not my own teams). Similar expectations awaited him in leagues across America, and he has proceeded to have a season that can be explained best by one word: HORRID!!! And it should be noted, that I have always insisted Daunte was not a good QB. But it should also be noted that I still expected him to put up pretty good fantasy numbers (even if not wins for the Vikings) this year. But who could have known it would be this bad, right?!
Kevin Jones: After a strong finish to the ’04 season, Kevin came into this year with high expectations. He was considered a 1000 yd lock, and seemed to have legitimate 1500 yd potential. Averaging over 3 yards a carry would be nice…
Jamal Lewis: For the last two years, Lewis has been consistently dumping at mid-field. Except, for the nine months prior to the season started, as Ek likes to point out, he was taking a dump into a small bucket in the corner of a 6x6 cell…
Cedric Benson: Considering Thomas Jones was completely written off after the draft, and Benson was basically being fed the starting job with a spoon, expectations were high for young Cedric (it is taking great restraint to not make a joke about Benson being a Texas product and Ricky Williams look alike right here). He then proceeded to have the longest holdout of all rookies, and fail to get off the bench.
Andre Johnson: Wow! I mean, many people thought he’d be their #1 reciever this year. Instead, through week 7 he has: 10 catches for 76 yards and no Touchdowns. Ouch…
Tony Gonzalez: No TD’s and no 100 yard games for the all-world TE. Not what you hope to get from a guy you pick around pick 35 and expect to give you a leg up on anyone at the TE matchup each week.
Joey Harrington: Somehow, there were people out there who thought he’d get it done this season.
Peyton Manning: it’s hard to meet expectations after throwing 49 TD’s in one year (FORTY-NINE TOUCHDOWNS!), but Peyton has failed to come close. He’s winning games, and its almost as if he is more concerned about cementing his position as “the greatest player ever to don a football jersey” by winning that elusive first championship, than helping something like 75% of his owners win their fantasy football championships. I know, I thought it was odd as well.
Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokley: See Peyton Manning.
Ahman Green: I saw this one coming. No O-line, and he’s not that good anymore, bad combination.
Roy Williams: this Texas product managed to get through the supposedly scrutinizing NFL Draft process with high grades, and no one noticed that A) He never even had a decent game against Oklahoma in the Red River Shootout, and B) he’s always hurt! How do you miss those two things?! Oh, the Lions drafted him, I get it… Oh yeah, and he’s stunk this season…

BUSTING OUT: For all those players who were either considered over the hill, or not quite ready to make an impact, who have taken expectations, said “what do those nerds know anyways” and proceeded to have great years.
Santana Moss: He’s becoming the next Eric Moulds, awesome every other year, just don’t draft him after a good year. Well, 2005 has been a very good year…
Plaxico Burress: Everybody said he dropped too many balls, had a bad attitude, and often heard footsteps. All of these things are true. He’s also 6’6”, has good speed, and is playing with Eli Manning.
Eli Manning: Has gone from a kid standing in the pocket and throwing off his back foot all the time to avoid getting drilled (after every play, showing what I believe the Sports Guy coined, “the Eli face”), to one of the better QB’s in the league. Not bad.
Edgerrin James: Nice to see he’s finally back from that ACL surgery 5 yrs ago. Having a great contract year…
LDT: He’s doing his best Priest Holmes impersonation right now, pouring on the Touchdowns.
Steve Smith: I was totally wrong about this guy. He’s a stud.
Stephen Davis: I was totally right about this guy: Best 15th round pick, EVER!
Carson Palmer: Despite a bad game against Pittsburgh, having an outstanding year, and pulling #85 Chad Johnson in tow.
Warrick Dunn: No matter what YOU think of little Warrick Dunn, he’s getting the job completed.
Thomas Jones: see Cedric Benson’s story.

COMbustABLES: Players who have been up and down, explosive and equally ready to implode at any give time.
Willie Parker: Early indications were that he was pure bust-out material. But with Bettis’ return, he’s has become and will evolve to become even more unpredictable.
Randy Moss: No one every was wrong when they called him the most explosive WR in the league, he’s just not the best…
Tatum Bell/Mike Anderson: Who knows what you’re gonna get from these two, or who’s going to give it to you.
Shaun Alexander: This isn’t a slight. Shaun Alexander will, single handedly win you 4-5 games a year. But he’s also wildly unpredictable, and will leave you wondering why he can’t perform closer to those monstrous performance every week.

BUSTING AT THE SEAMS: Players who I think about take their recently improved performances and turn in a great second half.
Curtis “My Favorite” Martin: Call it wishful thinking (yeah, I have him) but he’s been much better the last two weeks, and he gets 1000 yds every year. This leaves him with quite a task ahead of him the rest of the year on out, but I think this ageless wonder, unlike his newest QB counterpart, is up to the challenge of defying age and surpassing the not-as-impressive-as-it-used-to-be 1000 yd barrier once again.
Willis McGahee: There has been nothing bad about his performances thus far. But I feel a big second half coming on for this Miami product.
Ronnie Brown: The talk is all about Ricky’s return, and Ronnie has been very up and down so far. But it will soon be very clear who’s job this is, and Ronnie could be legitimate keeper material come season’s end.

BUSTED: Players who were expected to make a big impact, and whose seasons are done (or players who have spent the majority of this season on the bench due to injury).
Deuce McAllister: Though I think the saints rushing attack is actually better without him, many a fantasy owner will lament the day this bowl movement’s season went down the pipes…
Joe Horn: Not necessarily done for the year, but nagging hamstring injuries have a way of ruining the years of WR’s (and could the Saints have any worse luck this year? Katrina, the injuries, AND having Jim Haslett as a Head Coach!).
Javon Walker: Done before his season began, unfortunately for many fantasy owners, his injury didn’t come before they had used a high draft pick to get his services!
Brian Griese: Who thought he’d be a significant fantasy player to go down to injury? The field is limited to those who actually thought Griese would have a good year, so if more than one person comments with a yes (which basically means I will believe you, and you only Lew), I’m calling them a liar.

PERRENIAL BUSTS: Players who have the special gift of getting our hopes up year in and year out, and always coming up well short of the mark.
Michael Bennett: My theory is that he organized the love cruise. Knowing his career with the Vikings was done at season’s end, and since the Vikings RB situation has been a frustrating mess for years, he decided to ruin the entire organization’s reputation as a parting gift. Thankfully, the Vikings have Mike “anyone can pilot a ship when the water is nice and you have a Pina Colada in your hand” Tice as their coach. Actually Mike, drinking and driving is illegal, even at the high seas, and that sends a bad image to the kiddies out there. And probably inspired the idea for a sex cruise in the first place…
Todd Heap: He’s STILL considered one of the best TE’s in the league, but what has he done? Not enough to make it on my draft board…
Joey Harrington: The only person to make an appearance on both the “BUST” and “PERRENIAL BUST” lists. That’s quite an honor “Joe”, but you’ve earned it.
Kevan Barlow: Someone has to run the ball in San Francisco, right? That doesn’t mean someone will be gaining yards when they run the football though.
Michael Vick: Whatever happened to the “Mike Vick” name change thing? He routinely goes 3 rounds before he should go as a “reach”, and was a keeper in our league this year over Julius Jones and Tiki Barber. Until he as a season with over 1,000 yds rushing, 3,500 yds passing, 35 total TD’s, and a percentage of over 50% of his completions going to his Wide Receivers, he will always be a bust in my mind…