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I don’t believe in dualism. Let me just get that out there; there is not a great evil force and a great good force fighting for domination of the Universe. Well, at least, the great evil force and good force are not on equal footing. I believe there is a God, and a devil, but the devil is just one of God’s creations who thought he was better than everyone else. Why the theological/philosophical diatribe you ask? Because, when it comes to one area in this universe, I believe dualism exists. You’re intrigued, aren’t you? Let me explain…
In this world there are two types of (straight) men. There are bust men, and there are butt men. It’s really that simple. I do not know any more simple or more accurate way of dividing men into classes (actually they are more like casts, once you are one, you can never change). Now, don’t get me wrong here, it’s not that bust men don’t appreciate a nice looking rear end (hind sight is, after all, 20/20), or that butt men can’t enjoy the visual beauty of a girl with more “upside”. There are even some non-committal type males out there that would wimpishly say “I’m both”, or “I don’t really have a preference one way or another, I’m kinda into both”. This is, of course, hogwash. Every man is, at the deepest center of his being, one or the other. There is no gray, only black and white.

I AM A BUST MAN! I can’t deny it. I don’t know if I was born that way, or somehow socially sculpted into being a bust man. Maybe it’s a European thing (though my research would suggest otherwise). I don’t know why, I just know that I am. It’s just my general preference. “I am therefore I am”. I think that covers it. And so, in honor of my appearance preference, and in honor of the virtual midpoint of the fantasy football season, I’m doing an all-bust team article extravaganza! And no matter what you personal preference, I think you’ll be able to find something enjoyable about my way of breaking down the fantasy football landscape…

BUSTS: to all those players out there who have taken pre-season expectations and turned them into a figurative metaphor represented by a big field, and then run out to the middle of that field, dropped their shorts, and taken a big fat dump on it. That’s right, I just put that mental picture into your head!
Daunte Culpepper: This man has been the embodiment of the Fantasy Football bust. The Pamela Anderson or Dolly Parton of busts, if you will. He was a keeper in one of my leagues, and a 2nd overall pick in the other (note: for other teams, not my own teams). Similar expectations awaited him in leagues across America, and he has proceeded to have a season that can be explained best by one word: HORRID!!! And it should be noted, that I have always insisted Daunte was not a good QB. But it should also be noted that I still expected him to put up pretty good fantasy numbers (even if not wins for the Vikings) this year. But who could have known it would be this bad, right?!
Kevin Jones: After a strong finish to the ’04 season, Kevin came into this year with high expectations. He was considered a 1000 yd lock, and seemed to have legitimate 1500 yd potential. Averaging over 3 yards a carry would be nice…
Jamal Lewis: For the last two years, Lewis has been consistently dumping at mid-field. Except, for the nine months prior to the season started, as Ek likes to point out, he was taking a dump into a small bucket in the corner of a 6x6 cell…
Cedric Benson: Considering Thomas Jones was completely written off after the draft, and Benson was basically being fed the starting job with a spoon, expectations were high for young Cedric (it is taking great restraint to not make a joke about Benson being a Texas product and Ricky Williams look alike right here). He then proceeded to have the longest holdout of all rookies, and fail to get off the bench.
Andre Johnson: Wow! I mean, many people thought he’d be their #1 reciever this year. Instead, through week 7 he has: 10 catches for 76 yards and no Touchdowns. Ouch…
Tony Gonzalez: No TD’s and no 100 yard games for the all-world TE. Not what you hope to get from a guy you pick around pick 35 and expect to give you a leg up on anyone at the TE matchup each week.
Joey Harrington: Somehow, there were people out there who thought he’d get it done this season.
Peyton Manning: it’s hard to meet expectations after throwing 49 TD’s in one year (FORTY-NINE TOUCHDOWNS!), but Peyton has failed to come close. He’s winning games, and its almost as if he is more concerned about cementing his position as “the greatest player ever to don a football jersey” by winning that elusive first championship, than helping something like 75% of his owners win their fantasy football championships. I know, I thought it was odd as well.
Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Brandon Stokley: See Peyton Manning.
Ahman Green: I saw this one coming. No O-line, and he’s not that good anymore, bad combination.
Roy Williams: this Texas product managed to get through the supposedly scrutinizing NFL Draft process with high grades, and no one noticed that A) He never even had a decent game against Oklahoma in the Red River Shootout, and B) he’s always hurt! How do you miss those two things?! Oh, the Lions drafted him, I get it… Oh yeah, and he’s stunk this season…

BUSTING OUT: For all those players who were either considered over the hill, or not quite ready to make an impact, who have taken expectations, said “what do those nerds know anyways” and proceeded to have great years.
Santana Moss: He’s becoming the next Eric Moulds, awesome every other year, just don’t draft him after a good year. Well, 2005 has been a very good year…
Plaxico Burress: Everybody said he dropped too many balls, had a bad attitude, and often heard footsteps. All of these things are true. He’s also 6’6”, has good speed, and is playing with Eli Manning.
Eli Manning: Has gone from a kid standing in the pocket and throwing off his back foot all the time to avoid getting drilled (after every play, showing what I believe the Sports Guy coined, “the Eli face”), to one of the better QB’s in the league. Not bad.
Edgerrin James: Nice to see he’s finally back from that ACL surgery 5 yrs ago. Having a great contract year…
LDT: He’s doing his best Priest Holmes impersonation right now, pouring on the Touchdowns.
Steve Smith: I was totally wrong about this guy. He’s a stud.
Stephen Davis: I was totally right about this guy: Best 15th round pick, EVER!
Carson Palmer: Despite a bad game against Pittsburgh, having an outstanding year, and pulling #85 Chad Johnson in tow.
Warrick Dunn: No matter what YOU think of little Warrick Dunn, he’s getting the job completed.
Thomas Jones: see Cedric Benson’s story.

COMbustABLES: Players who have been up and down, explosive and equally ready to implode at any give time.
Willie Parker: Early indications were that he was pure bust-out material. But with Bettis’ return, he’s has become and will evolve to become even more unpredictable.
Randy Moss: No one every was wrong when they called him the most explosive WR in the league, he’s just not the best…
Tatum Bell/Mike Anderson: Who knows what you’re gonna get from these two, or who’s going to give it to you.
Shaun Alexander: This isn’t a slight. Shaun Alexander will, single handedly win you 4-5 games a year. But he’s also wildly unpredictable, and will leave you wondering why he can’t perform closer to those monstrous performance every week.

BUSTING AT THE SEAMS: Players who I think about take their recently improved performances and turn in a great second half.
Curtis “My Favorite” Martin: Call it wishful thinking (yeah, I have him) but he’s been much better the last two weeks, and he gets 1000 yds every year. This leaves him with quite a task ahead of him the rest of the year on out, but I think this ageless wonder, unlike his newest QB counterpart, is up to the challenge of defying age and surpassing the not-as-impressive-as-it-used-to-be 1000 yd barrier once again.
Willis McGahee: There has been nothing bad about his performances thus far. But I feel a big second half coming on for this Miami product.
Ronnie Brown: The talk is all about Ricky’s return, and Ronnie has been very up and down so far. But it will soon be very clear who’s job this is, and Ronnie could be legitimate keeper material come season’s end.

BUSTED: Players who were expected to make a big impact, and whose seasons are done (or players who have spent the majority of this season on the bench due to injury).
Deuce McAllister: Though I think the saints rushing attack is actually better without him, many a fantasy owner will lament the day this bowl movement’s season went down the pipes…
Joe Horn: Not necessarily done for the year, but nagging hamstring injuries have a way of ruining the years of WR’s (and could the Saints have any worse luck this year? Katrina, the injuries, AND having Jim Haslett as a Head Coach!).
Javon Walker: Done before his season began, unfortunately for many fantasy owners, his injury didn’t come before they had used a high draft pick to get his services!
Brian Griese: Who thought he’d be a significant fantasy player to go down to injury? The field is limited to those who actually thought Griese would have a good year, so if more than one person comments with a yes (which basically means I will believe you, and you only Lew), I’m calling them a liar.

PERRENIAL BUSTS: Players who have the special gift of getting our hopes up year in and year out, and always coming up well short of the mark.
Michael Bennett: My theory is that he organized the love cruise. Knowing his career with the Vikings was done at season’s end, and since the Vikings RB situation has been a frustrating mess for years, he decided to ruin the entire organization’s reputation as a parting gift. Thankfully, the Vikings have Mike “anyone can pilot a ship when the water is nice and you have a Pina Colada in your hand” Tice as their coach. Actually Mike, drinking and driving is illegal, even at the high seas, and that sends a bad image to the kiddies out there. And probably inspired the idea for a sex cruise in the first place…
Todd Heap: He’s STILL considered one of the best TE’s in the league, but what has he done? Not enough to make it on my draft board…
Joey Harrington: The only person to make an appearance on both the “BUST” and “PERRENIAL BUST” lists. That’s quite an honor “Joe”, but you’ve earned it.
Kevan Barlow: Someone has to run the ball in San Francisco, right? That doesn’t mean someone will be gaining yards when they run the football though.
Michael Vick: Whatever happened to the “Mike Vick” name change thing? He routinely goes 3 rounds before he should go as a “reach”, and was a keeper in our league this year over Julius Jones and Tiki Barber. Until he as a season with over 1,000 yds rushing, 3,500 yds passing, 35 total TD’s, and a percentage of over 50% of his completions going to his Wide Receivers, he will always be a bust in my mind…