A Heaping Plate of Nacho-Rama

Ok, before I start my first “Nacho-rama” article, a brief note of explanation about that name. Nacho-rama is one of the real Village Tavern’s finest entrees, which is basically prepared by taking a plate of Nachos and putting everything in the kitchen on top of them. The result is a fantastic smorgasbord of, well, nacho-rama, a rare appetizer in which all five food groups are well represented. With that in mind, I’m going to include a few brief thoughts about just about everything.

First off, I’d like to apologize to those of you who were expecting a doom-and-gloom column about the White Sox and Chicago baseball in general, I had a few ideas ready, but in the few days I was working on it the Sox won three games, Cleveland’s 45 game winning streak came to an end in horrific fashion, and I found out about the (somewhat poorly named) RIOT standings (an improved version of the magic number in that accounts for remaining schedule), which basically show that Sox are in the playoffs with 2 more wins at this point. That’s assuming the Yankees, Red Sox, and Indians all win out, other than when the Yankees and Red Sox play each other. By the way, the White Sox have four games left against the Tigers – a .500 team at best that has clearly been sending their games DHL for the last three weeks. I’m not too worried. So expect that column after their spectacular playoff loss (and it will happen, this is Chicago).

A few quick thoughts about the White Sox and the rest of the AL, though:

- The heart of their order is not nearly good enough to carry them to a title. That doesn’t mean that they can’t win it, but it does mean that if they do, casual baseball fans are probably going to know who Tadahito Iguchi, Joe Crede, and Juan Uribe are.
- One strange thing about the AL this year is that, while there are a lot of good starters on the five teams left in the race, none of them have a bonafide scary playoff starter. Buehrle, Garland, Chacon, Sabathia, and Cliff Lee have almost no big game experience, Unit, Schilling, Wells and El Duque are clearly past their primes, Clement hasn’t been the same since that really scary injury a few months ago, Garcia, Millwood, and Mussina are established as ‘solid but not automatic’ post-season options, and nobody really knows what to expect from Contreras once the pressure gets dialed up, including Sox fans. It makes things tough, because you can usually figure out who's taking the pennant by asking yourself which team among those that have an ace closer (sorry Boston) has the most scary starting pitchers.
- I’ve intentionally left out the entire Angels rotation and written off Oakland in protest of the general ignorance of good Midwestern pro teams shown by the East coast Sports Promotional Network. In that spirit, I’ve decided to ignore the entire West Coast for rest of this month. (Although if you’re wondering about Colon, I’ve seen him pitch for the White Sox - I'm not sure if he's still in the league now - and he’s very beatable). I’m also going to refer to the White Sox as “the Sox,” indefinitely from here on out. Also, if I feel like a player is about to sign with the White Sox or the Cubs, this will be referred to as “ending up in pinstripes.” Seriously, stop using pinstripes nicknames for the Yankees immediately. Half of the teams in baseball have pinstripes on at least one model of their unis, and the Yanks don’t wear pinstripes all of the time. We might as well refer to them as “the team that has bats” or “the team that wears gloves in the field” (although the first would be more appropriate).

You know how athletes and entertainers like to criticize the President? I don’t have a problem with it, in fact, it’s one of the things that help to make our society unique, but I think it would be fun if the President occasionally shot back by letting us know what he thought of their recent projects. Couldn’t you just imagine W. looking straight into the camera from the Oval Office desk and saying, “To the enemies of freedom in Iraq, I say this: The American will is strong. Freedom is on the march, and its enemies will not prevail. And to the members of Coldplay, I say this: The falsetto piano ballad has been pretty much played out at this point. Please feel free to try something else on your next album. Good night, and God bless America.”

With most umpires granting the hit by pitch when a uniform gets nicked, why is it that we haven’t seen a couple of major leaguers try wearing giant, baggy, MC Hammer style pants and sleeves? If Hammer Time could move around wearing that stuff, I’m sure those guys could too.

It’s an indication of how far Andy Richter has fallen from his “cult comedy icon” status that Mark wrote nearly two and a half pages about a staring contest and didn’t reference him once. I’m willing to bet it didn’t even seem weird to anyone until I pointed it out just now.

As some of you may be aware, Keira Knightley is going to be in the next Jane Austen movie. This is clearly presents a huge dilemma – does this alone make the movie worth seeing? Or even renting down the line? If there’s a select group of actresses who can make anything watchable, she’s in it, but Austen's books and previous movies looked really boring, not to mention painfully long. In fact, when people who loved the films describe them to me, almost all of what they say makes me want to see them even less. I’d appreciate any help that our readers can offer here, I’ve seriously got no idea how to handle this.

By the way, before you say that I’m prejudging a whole subgenre of film, I’d like to mention that I did watch about twenty minutes of Sense and Sensibility. It was horrid, and this is coming from a guy who occasionally enjoys chick flicks and has even watched them in non-dating/mixed company situations. I don’t have anything against Ms. Austen, but people had different standards for entertainment in 1795, which was before the internet, video games, big-time professional sports, television, radio, most board games, widespread literacy in many places, restaurants that had awesome nachos and chicken tenders, and quite possibly anything resembling the modern conceptions of dating or even friendship. So it’s understandable that people thought that things like Pride and Prejudice and Great Expectations were classics. Fortunately we can now look back on things like Quantum Leap.

Anyone else think that TO is sandbagging with the end zone dances because of the contract dispute? It wouldn’t be entirely out of character for him to think that his production is worth his current contract, but if the Eagles want some real entertainment, it’s going to cost them. Although Drew Bledsoe scored a rushing touchdown earlier today, so I supposed just about anything is possible.

Yes, I’m aware that I mentioned Keira Knightley in my post but instead included pictures of Juan Uribe, President Bush, and the cast members of Quantum Leap. This was done intentionally just to piss you off. If you don’t like it, start your own site.

One of the signs at the Chargers-Giants game read “Eli’s So like Peyton…Not.” I loved it. I haven’t seen someone break out that use of “not” since the nineties ended (in case you forgot, it’s from the Wayne's World saga, which is one of the true treasures of our generation. Unlike any of the Jane Austen movies).

On the road with Volunteer nation...

As a Graduate Athletic Training student, my weekends often aren’t terribly eventful. I typically have some sporting event to work at where I’m holding water, taping ankles and waiting around for an injury to happen. It’s not at all glamorous, but I like it. Heck, I’d rather be working at sporting events for my job than sitting behind a desk all day. Then on Sundays I usually settle into my recliner to watch some football, and try to fit some studying in somewhere. So when I get the opportunity to go somewhere for a weekend and watch my team play in person, I take the chance and run with it.

So after my fourth test in four days I started the trek early Friday afternoon. Six and half hours is a small portion of my valuable time to get to see my Volunteers play arch-rival Florida. So I made the drive from Chattanooga to Gainesville to go to the event with my old college roommate David, who graciously got me a ticket to the big game. After watching the game together every year in college, this has become a tradition for us. So to finally get an opportunity to watch the game live, and in person, was a real treat; even if it had to come at the Swamp, in the middle of the Florida Student section.

On the drive down there I had a few experiences that really got me excited. I don’t know that there is really any way to explain the feelings of nostalgia evoked by being stuck in a traffic jam and looking to your left and right only to see a mini-van and a Jeep Cherokee decked out in Orange and White. It’s just great knowing that are in a community of friends, comrades in arms who are donoting their time to go support their troops (how can you pass up the soldier reference here; I mean, Kellen Winslow made his infamous comparison after losing to the Vols). You just feel a connection to the people next to you. If you’ve ever driven a Jeep Wrangler on a warm summer day with the top down, and seen another Wrangler on the road, you know what I’m talking about. You’ll be sitting at a light, see another Jeep and there’s a silent, measurable bond there. You nod your head, exchange your respect and keep going; it’s a small thing, but it’s strange how noticeable it is.


Later, as night was coming on strong, when the butt was getting tired, and all I wanted to do was get there quickly so I could take advantage of my buddy’s facilities, I saw it; the light at the end of the tunnel. And instead of pondering my eternal destiny, I realize that light I saw was not a halo, and it wasn’t a train coming the other way either; instead it was a faithful Tennessee fan who has his entire rear window lit up by lights that spell out a power-“T”. Inspired by yet another showing of team loyalty, I was able to continue my trip, and arrive at my friend’s facilities without an oil spill.

On gameday, we spent most of our time watching football and the Laguna Beach marathon. Yes, THAT Laguna Beach: the Real O.C. … normally a reality TV show built on the hype of youth soap-opera is not such a good idea. Actually, I probably shouldn’t say normally; 99% of the time this wouldn’t be a good idea. But, and maybe this is just justification for my own patheticness, in this case I find it entertaining. In any case, here we were, three guys in their early twenties, waiting for the big game, watching Laguna Beach and each of us, in our own way, coming up with excuses for watching the show. From my, “we don’t have to keep watching, but Jessica’s really cute, we should wait till you see her…” to Travis’ (my friend, and David’s roommate), “this is really well edited...” (it was Tarrantino esque), there we were, and there we remained. Finally, we got David and Travis painted up from waistline to forehead in Orange and Blue, respectively, and a large “U” on the chest of David, and an “F” on Travis (more on this to come). I donned my Tennessee orange baseball cap and Vols T-shirt and we started our walk to the stadium.

The trip to the stadium was what I expected; people cheering when they saw my friends, and then immediately swearing, yelling and booing when they saw me. We must have been an odd site to the simple-minded Gator fans; die hard Gators walking side by side with a Volunteer. I mean, let’s be honest, most of the drunken Florida fans had enough trouble telling if David was a Tennessee fan or a Florida fan. Painted in orange with only a “U” instead of a more telling “F” on his chest, fans frequently questioned him and often threatened him when they saw him associating with me. But let’s be honest, how much can you expect from intoxicated co-eds from redneck country Florida; who often thought screaming “Go home” at the top of their lungs to a Tennessee fan was not only a display of school spirit, but pretty clever (though, not nearly as neat as digital watches).

And I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a bit scary being, by my count, one of three Tennessee fans in the entire quarter of the field. I mean, as one of my professors recently announced to the class about me, “now Mark’s not a very muscular guy”… To say that the general status of most of the fans was sober, would be a slight exaggeration. But to their credit, the Florida fans were only slightly obnoxious and inhospitable about the fact that I was cheering for the Vols (but being in the Dental School block of the stands might have helped more than a little bit with this fact…).

A real highlight of the game (besides the lone touchdown we scored) was watching Travis and David unknowingly stand next to each other as they spelled “FU” to all onlookers. All the while they had grins on their faces. Priceless…
As far as “the swamp” goes, I wasn’t that impressed. I mean, setting an attendance record not only for the school, but for the entire state of Florida at just over 90,000 fans is hardly impressive for a UT fan. I mean, I intend to write an article exclusively about the much more impressive Neyland Stadium after my first game there when Tennessee and Georgia face off later this season. I’d also like to point out that alternately shouting, “Orange, Blue” is not terribly awe-inspiring, nor is it very creative. I must admit, however, that “it’s great… to be… a Florida Gator” is a catchy song… FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

And now, we come to the most depressing portion of my account; the outcome. We lost, I won’t say very much more than that. Special teams killed us, or offense is terrible, we only gave Clausen two series to play after giving him the start, and oh yeah, our offense sucks. I left the game very confident that, as they currently stand, BOTH teams are over-rated. I also was NOT impressed by Urban Meyer’s offense. If he’s such a great coach, who come his team got penalized every other play? I could ignore this fact, if in fact the offense had been either productive OR creative. Unfortunately for Gator fans, it was neither. They mostly just ran up the middle, and got sacked a lot.

And so, after tasting the bitterness of defeat, I could have tucked my tail and ran home. While I won’t say I did nothing to lick my wounds (after all, I went home and watched some more Laguna Beach episodes), I did not hide from the Tennessee defeat. The next day, when it was time to head home, I once again donned my Vols cap and made sure that every car I passed on the way with a Gator on it could see my hat. Tennessee didn’t get where it is as a program by being ashamed. And so, I saddled up for another delightful trip on the road with Volunteer nation. Yeah we had lost, yeah it was an ugly game. But I was there, I supported my team, and I loved every minute of it…

Time to Push the Panic Button?

Well, the NFL season is 1/16th of the way to the playoffs, and it’s already readily apparent that certain teams won’t be there. While football is capable of providing champions, heroes, and inspirations, for some reason it’s more fun to dwell on the negative - especially early in the year when everyone is unrealistically optimistic about their team. This has the added benefit of allowing me to write about almost all of the NFC North, which I’ve been following a little more closely as a Bears fan. So, without delay, I’m letting you know which 0-1 teams are still ok, and which 0-1 teams need to be at Defcon 3. After all, these guys are on pace to go 0-16.

Oakland Raiders
I was actually somewhat impressed with the Raiders on opening night. The offense is going to be tough to stop, and apparently they actually kind of have a run defense. That said, the next update for Madden should include a chip that makes it impossible to switch the passing cone away from Randy Moss when playing with Collins. You could still throw to other receivers; you’d just either have to wait until they were in the same sight line as Moss or risk putting up a horribly inaccurate duck. Anyway: DON’T PANIC

Minnesota Vikings
It looks pretty obvious at this point that the Randy Moss trade is going to go down with the Herschell Walker deal and Anderson’s first miss of the 1998 season as one of the truly awful moments in a long history of them. The Vikings definitely belong on the list of cursed franchises and for some reason don’t get much national recognition for this. Probably warrants its own column. Anyway, after spending all of that money on defense, they’ve probably upgraded to “average.” The problem is the offense is average as well, and I’m not sure if Mike Tice has any idea of how to win a football game without scoring 35 points. Red McCombs is starting to earn a reputation as the real-life equivalent of that guy in your fantasy league who you have to make at least one trade with to win the title. What’s happened here as that the Vikings believed the hype that Daunte Culpepper was going to become the black Peyton Manning…whereas what they really had was Kerry Collins with a little bit of scrambling ability. Whoops! PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON

Denver Broncos
Let’s see…Bailey’s hurt, no more Portis, Anderson’s hurt indefinitely, Jake Plummer is still the Quarterback, and they lost to the Dolphins. I rest my case. Time to panic.

Tennessee Titans
They got waxed by a good team (Pittsburgh), which is always a tough read. I wouldn’t recommend pushing the panic button at this point. This is because it should already be firmly depressed from losing Samari Rolle, Derek Mason, and about half of their defense to the salary cap over the last two years.

Chicago Bears
Theoretically the offense should get better as the year goes on, what with a rookie QB, a new coordinator, a new primary weapon, and a blue-chip running back that hasn’t really gotten at all involved yet. Unfortunately I’ve learned not to hold my breath waiting for their offense to come around. The defense is good enough that I won’t push the button yet, especially with the NFC North looking like one of the worst divisions in any sport this year, but they’re one bad game against Detroit away.

Carolina Panthers
Is this field regulation size? Honetsly, I feel a little bit bad for Panthers fans, since they can’t be seriously pissed about their team losing at home to a division rival on multiple debatable calls without coming off like jerks for disliking the Saints. That said, I’m assuming that their receivers will learn how to stay in bounds, so I’m not going to panic yet.

Seattle Seahawks
Honestly, I didn’t watch any of this game and hardly saw any highlights. But it’s the Seahawks. They haven’t won a playoff game since 1984. Just push the button.

Houston Texans
Remember the beginning of last season when David Carr, Andre Johnson, and Domanick Davis were supposed to be the next Aikman/Irvin/Smith or Manning/Harrison/James? That was fun, wasn’t it? I could actually see them winding as more of the Run TMC of the NFL: always entertaining, occasionally spectacular, but ultimately unsatisfying as a trio. Anyway, they’re not doing anything this year. Push the button.

Cleveland Browns
If you were seriously entertaining playoff hopes for this team at any point in during the off-season, you’re a better fan than I am.

NY Jets
The defense doesn’t worry me a whole ton – the Chiefs are going to run on everyone, and might even have two running back hit 1000 yards and ten TDs on the same team, provided Priest stays off of the injured list and LJ stays out of prison – and Pennington has always been up and down, so I’m not too worried there either. But Curtis Martin getting shut down is a major red flag. This could be his “wow, he totally lost it quick” year. I’d also like to point out that they just didn’t re-sign LaMont Jordan. I don’t have to tell New York fans to push the panic button; it’s the one thing they’ve always been great at.

Green Bay Packers
Ok, I’ll get this out of the way first. The Packers looked awful in pretty much every way possible last week. And I’m not convinced that the Lions are top-tier opposition. But as I was thinking about this, I realized what it is that makes Brett Favre so great. It’s not that he has a cannon for an arm, unless you want to save places in Canton for Kerry Collins and Kyle Orton. If you’re a Packers fan, or he’s on your fantasy team, there’s at least one remote-throwing moment per game. There are certain circumstances under which he still hasn’t figured out how to play well (like indoors and in hot weather), even after 15 years in the league. And like Coach Ditka, he’s idolized for winning one Super Bowl with a nucleus that should probably have won two or three. What makes Favre great is that the Packers do this every year. They always start out poorly, and since Favre’s a year older and they’ve usually lost some people, they usually get written off. Then Favre leads them roaring back into the playoffs, where they usually implode because they’re a 6-10 team that’s been surviving off of his willpower alone. Well, this year I’m not falling for it…don’t push the panic button yet.

San Diego Chargers
I know that their secondary made it look like we had all taken a trip in Rufus’s Phone Booth and were watching 1996 Drew Bledsoe throwing to 1998 Keyshawn Johnson. The thing is, Brees, who was their biggest question mark going in, looked good. They probably would have won with Antonio Gates in the end zone at the end of the game. That one game suspension was about the dumbest possible resolution I could have imagined to the Gates holdout. It made a statement, but not a pretty weak one, and it wound up costing them a game. But I can’t panic yet on the Bolts, especially not when they still have the best theme song in the NFL.

(say it with me, San Di-e-go Su-per Charg-ers, San Di-e-go, Su-per Charg-ers)

St. Louis Rams
Here’s the thing about the Rams: now that Randy Moss is gone, Javon Walker is hurt, and Donovan McNabb is less than 2 weeks away from a season ending “Madden Curse” injury, they might be the only team in the NFC with a passing attack that actually scares people. So even with a bad defense and a bad coach I wouldn’t panic just yet.

Arizona Cardinals
It seems like Kurt Warner hasn’t been quite the same player since leaving the Rams. Who would have guessed that playing on a team with two Pro Bowl receivers, a Hall of Fame running back in his prime, one of the best offensive head coaches of all time, and third and fourth receivers that could have started for most teams at that time would help a Quarterback’s numbers so much? Anyway, the problem with the preseason buzz this team got was that it was mostly “somebody has to win the NFC West” buzz as opposed to “this team could actually be a threat in the NFC” buzz, which the Rams and Seahawks were at least getting in some circles. So yes, I’m ready to push the button after one loss.

Baltimore Ravens
Jamal Lewis was definitely less than 100% (at least I hope since he’s on my fantasy team), and the defense looked awesome but still allowed 24 points. Fortunately, most other teams they play don’t have Peyton Manning, so I don’t think that will continue. The bigger question is this: What exactly makes this team different from the Bears or Redskins? Other than the occasional 200-yard game from Lewis, they have absolutely no chance to win games with their offense. Yet somehow they manage to consistently stay at least around .500 and generally feel like a borderline contender, while those other teams are usually dead in the water by week 10. I just don’t get it. This could be the year that something gives, but I’m not pushing the panic button yet.

Philadelphia Eagles
Losing to the Falcons on the road isn’t the end of the world, especially after losing one of their better defensive players for the game (albeit due to his own idiocy) and getting a very sub-par performance from McNabb. That said, I really don’t buy the idea that teams can win without at least some semblance of chemistry, and it’s very possible that they’ll completely implode and go the way of the last few Super Bowl losers. I’ll say it’s not time to panic yet, but if McNabb breaks his collarbone in week 4 it will be. And Eagles fans will have EA Sports to thank.

Nacho-rama - The Appetizer

I didn’t have time to work on an in-depth article like my counterparts, so y’all are going to be stuck with some random thoughts and short points this week instead. Let’s get started.

1. Great post by Ek on why the NFL is better than College Football. Being a recent NFL convert myself, he did a great job of stating the problems with the college game and voicing the frustrations of many of the game’s critics. Also, I had completely forgotten that USC only one the AP National Championship in 2003 while LSU won the BCS National Championship. Kudos to Ek for the reminder.

Two quick counterpoints (although they aren’t nearly enough to tip the scales in favor of the college game):

A. The three of us are probably all biased by the fact that we went to Wheaton College, which is located in Chicago, Illinois, and only a Division III football team. There are no big time college football programs in the area (no, Northwestern doesn’t count), so we weren’t exposed to the tradition and excitement of being on a major college campus on a Fall day right before kickoff. The other factor working against the college game for us is the fact that the majority of the students at Wheaton generally did not get along with the football players. Whereas Mountaineers are generally regarded as celebrities and demigods up here in Morgantown, the majority of Wheaton’s campus thought that the football players were jerks. I’m not saying whether this was the right or wrong opinion, but it definitely introduces a bias into our opinions of college football players in general.

B. The NFL cannot compete with the college game in terms of tradition. From the “Dotting of the ‘I’” at Ohio State, the DawgWalk at UGA, or the singing of “Country Roads” after WVU victories, there a many more long-lasting and meaningful traditions among colleges as compared to the NFL. The only NFL team that comes close to this kind of tradition would be the Green Bay Packers. However, compared to collegiate traditions, the Packers’ traditions such as the Lambeau Leap simply don’t make the grade. Also contributing to this more storied tradition is the fact that the college game has been around longer than professional football (1880’s versus 1920’s for the earliest professional football). Some of the biggest rivalries in college football have been played for over 100 years. It’s hard for the NFL to beat that tradition when we are only up to 40 years since the league merger and we're still adding expansion teams like the Houston Texans as of 2002.

Just thought I’d quickly make the counter arguments since no one else decided to make them.

2. Just so you know, I’m watching the Dave Matthews Band on VH1 Storytellers right now. Sorry if my distraction is evident. There is absolutely nothing more entertaining to me than listening to Dave Matthews talk. I love the man’s music, but I just start laughing when I ever I hear him speak. Watching him interact with the band members when they are being interviewed is pretty awesome too. He's like a little, giddy kid. Even if you don’t like the music, you should be watching the show just for these kinds of interactions. Also, Carter Beauford (the drummer for those of you unfamiliar) just said that they (the band) “trust” Dave lyrically to express his opinions and the opinions of the band without going overboard. It’s insights like this one that you can only get from VH1 Storytellers. Jeez, I had no idea that the primary song writer and lead singer for the band was in this position. Unbelievable!

3. A very enjoyable and entertaining article from Mark on the absurdity of Frank Robinson’s 45 second staring contest with the umpire in a recent National’s game. The Will Ferrell references scattered throughout were a real treat. I’m very impressed because Mark is not a baseball guy, but he put in some serious effort and time researching for his article. Plus, he was very creative (and at times a bit too personal – going from naked to fully dressed) in coming up with things to do in 45 seconds. It might have been a little bit better had the entire article only taken 45 seconds to read and the final point was “read this entire article.” However, this approach would not have given us the same full glimpse into Mark's psyche that we all now possess.

4. I know it is a great song, but do they always have to play “Ants Marching” at every live show and put it on every concert cd that is released by the band? What? They do? Oh, my bad; I didn’t realize that. Sorry.

5. Just wanted express my condolences and sympathy to Javon Walker since he is out for the season with an ACL tear. I realize that calling a professional football player’s season ending injury tragic is not appropriate in light of the recent true tragedies (not even a strong enough word) of Hurricane Katrina, but Walker’s injury was a major disappointment for Packers’ fans and NFL fans in general. He was in the process of becoming (and may still after he returns next season) one of the best WR in the NFL, although he was paid less than many back-ups. His agent Drew Rosenhaus threatened to hold him out for the season if the Packers didn’t increase his salary to level of other #1 Wide Receivers in the NFL. Javon reported to camp without a new contract, and then tore his ACL in the first game. Granted, Walker still made more money than most of the world can ever dream about, but it is disappointing to see him not get the amount of money that we as a society have deemed professional athletes (entertainers really – a forthcoming article from me that will challenge all your perceptions and preconceived notions about professional sports) at his level should receive. I hope that he is able to get back to this level after his injury for his sake and for our sake as fans whom get to watch him play.

6. There is nothing quite like the group of individuals that assemble at the DMB concert. It’s truly phenomenal. By the way, according to his imdb.com page, Dave’s favorite drink is Jack Daniels. Also, if your one of those people that jumped off the DMB bandwagon, you’ve been beaten to the punch by the man himself (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39670/print/).

Well as you can see, I ran out of material a while ago. I promise actual articles with research in the future, but I had to get something up fast. I also realize that I have promised at least 4 or 5 specific articles in the course of my first 2 posts. Get ready.

You Don't Even Blink!

Forty-Five seconds, in the grand scheme of things, it not a terribly long period of time. I mean after all, even in the world of sports, 45 seconds of game clock comes and goes fairly quickly (with the end of an NBA being a very notable exception). Two minutes is the gold-standard in football for the time needed to put together a quality scoring drive, unless you are playing the Vikings, in which case all rules for a defense being out of the woods go, well… out the window (seems like one too many figurative phrases, but oh well). But forty-five seconds is a very long time for two grown men to stare at each other!

For anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, Washington Nationals Manager (why are they managers, why can’t baseball just be like everyone else and call them head coaches? And why do baseball fans get upset when you misspeak and call a manager a coach? Come on…) Frank Robinson had a 45 second staring contest with a Home Plate Umpire (forgive me for being too lazy to research and find his name). Who, I ask you, in the middle of a Major League Baseball game, gets upset at a call and pulls a Robert Goulet and is just like “Quick, staring contest!”? Some managers yell, some knock over water coolers some even run onto the field and kick dirt. Not Frank Robinson, Frank’s a crafty veteran. He’s not going to cause a stir, he’s not going to waste his energy running onto the field (he’s an elderly man; he has blood pressure and cholesterol to think about). No Frank Robinson had an ace up his sleeve. He’s going to bore a whole in the umps head, make him feel the heat. Only, on the way to doing so, something unexpected happened; the ump stared back…

Now I’m not going to take the high road and start critiquing who was more wrong in this situation. Which is more childish, a 60’s something manager/legend initiating a stare-down, or an ump having too much pride to just walk away like he’s trained to do in most situations. It’s not really important because, right or wrong, this was entertaining stuff! I’m not a big baseball fan, personally, but I was going crazy when I saw this. Heck, it was almost enough to make me sit up in my recliner, almost…

But as it sunk into my how incredibly long of a period of time 45 seconds is to have a staring contest between two “mature” adults, I got to thinking; what all can you do in 45 seconds or less? I mean, in order to give real significance to anything, it has to be put into context right? So the only real context for a 45 second stare down would be other things that can be done in 45 seconds or less, right? Made since to me, so here it is…

1) Takeru Kobayashi ate 50.5 hotdogs at this years “Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hotdog Eating Contest” in 12 minutes. Over FIFTY hotdogs! If he maintained a somewhat constant consumption rate throughout the competition, he would have eaten over 3 hotdogs during the Robinson-ump slugfest. And I’m guessing he slowed down as the day went on, so 5+ hotdogs is a real possibility.

2) Robert “Tractor” Traylor can run up and down the court in less than 45 seconds. Well, up OR down the court…
3) A bag “Ultimate Butter” microwave popcorn can go from greasy-tasty-butter goodness to over cooked, “I’ll eat it only because I’m a cheap grad student who doesn’t believe in sunk costs” in about 25 seconds of cooking time. Balance, balance, it’s so important, yet so hard to maintain.
4) I don’t have ACTUAL documentation of this, but I’m pretty sure that Isaiah Rider shot his free-throws in less than 45 seconds. Let me remind you, for those of you who (understandably) don’t remember “J.R.”, that before shooting a free throw he would dribble… pivot his right foot to the right, pause, and then pivot back. Look at the rim. Dribble once, pivot his right foot to the right, pause, and then pivot back. Look at the rim, and repeat one more time (you get the feeling)… then he’d finally look at the rim one last time, pause, and shoot. This made me want to throw something every time I saw it. Thankfully for all of us, Kobe ended Rider’s career early, when the Lakers gave him the “opportunity” to be part 3 of the Laker’s Triangle offense. All that to say, even that took less than 45 seconds (which reminds me, why have a rule of 10seconds to shoot a free throw if you aren’t ever going to call the infraction?)
5) An average NASCAR pit crew can easily change 4 tires, refuel, and even wipe down the windows in less than 15 seconds.

6) Reggie Miller (one of my personal favorites and, I think, one of the most underrated pros of our era. Thanks for knowing how to go out in class Reggie, do you wanna teach Lance Armstrong a lesson about just walking, or riding, away?), playing against the Knicks, scored 8 points in 8.9 seconds to steal the Game 1 Eastern Conference Semi-final in 1995. Okay, 8 points in, lets just round up, 9 seconds pro-rates out to 40 points in the short 45 seconds that made up the duration of Frank Robinson’s staring contest.
7) I have, on several occasions, studied for a grade-determining test for a cumulative time total of less than 45 seconds.
8) The world-record for beating Super Mario Brothers on the NES is 5 minutes, 9 seconds. So let’s see here, 5 times 60 seconds equals 300 seconds, plus 9 equals 309. So, divide 45 by 309… anyways, that means that instead of starting is little ocular duel with the ump, Frank could have more wisely devoted his time getting 14.5% of the way through the original Super Mario Brothers. By the way, is there any dispute that Mario 3 was the greatest of all time? I guess that’s a whole ‘nother article.

9) It took me significantly less than ¾ of a minute to decide if I thought Dave Wannstedt being hired as the new Pitt Head Coach was a good idea. Turns out my quick decision gave more than adequate thought to an easy question. As of press time, Pitt was 0-2. Ewww, Dave, ew ew ew ew ewwww…
10) It took Rafael Palmeiro one finger wag/point, five words, and significantly less than 45 seconds to completely tarnish his career (quite possibly earning him a Hall of Fame snub in the process). Wow Raffy, I know players are supposed to get judged by the body of your work, but somehow I feel like all those 6-8 year olds out there will always only remember you as the guy who pointed his finger and told a big fat lie. Oh, and I’ve been wondering about this; which is worse, Raphael Palmeiro’s getting caught with steroids or his Viagra commercials? I mean with the one hand, while lying, he pointed his finger at congress, and with the other hand he… It’s not like this should have been too shocking anways, we already knew he was taking performance-enhancing drugs…
11) It took my about 3 hours to but together my IKEA kitchen table, just in case you wondering…

12) I can go from completely nude to fully dressed in forty five seconds, I just tried it.
13) This is truly impressive: the 400m dash was run in 43.18 seconds by Michael Johnson. Let’s give this some perspective here. That’s one full lap around a regulation track. That’s a quarter of a mile! And with time to spare before the stare-down was called off. Perhaps even more impressive is the fact that Kevin Young (USA) ran the 400m HURDLES in 46.78 seconds. Wow, for anyone who has been a hurdler, tried walking over men’s high hurdles, or just looked at a 42” hurdle, you know how impressive that is…
14) Had regular play continued during the stare-down, there most likely would have been one ball pitched, or at least the catcher would have signaled two different pitches to be waived off by the pitcher. Guess all the distractions really cost us some good action.

As you can clearly see, from my extensive evidence, there were clearly better things that Frank Robinson could have been doing with this 45 seconds. Unfortunately for you and I, we don’t have anything better to do than watch and laugh, and then watch it again on SportsCenter. So I guess I have to admit it Frank, “you win, you always do!”…

Is there any other football?

I tried to watch the whole Ohio State-Texas game this weekend, I really did. Unfortunately, I have a serious problem when it comes to college football: the whole time I’m watching it, I can’t help but thinking how much more fun it this would be if I were watching a real football game. By this I am, of course, referring to the NFL (Ha! And to think some of you thought for a second that I was going to write about how entertaining soccer is. Well…I wasn’t. If I did, it would be a pretty short column. But seriously, folks….). Where was I? Oh yeah, the NFL. Anyway, by the third quarter I switched the game off and started playing Madden. This is because even a video game involving an imaginary Bears dynasty is far more engaging then watching one of the six or seven college football games of the whole year with legitimate national title implications.

As a person who views the first week of the college football as a mere appetizer that is best skipped to fully enjoy the coming football feast, it’s somewhat distressing to me that some people actually find the college game more entertaining. So, in order to put this foolhardy notion to rest once and for all, here are the reasons that the NFL is superior:

1) The players are bigger, faster, and smarter.

This should be pretty much a no-brainer, since the NFL is basically a collection of 32 alumni all-star teams. Because of this, NFL play is faster, cleaner, and smarter. How many times have you seen an NFL player field a kick return five yards deep in the end zone, run out an stop on the goal line, then retreat back into the end zone and narrowly avoid a safety? I’ll tell you this much – you wouldn’t see the same guy do it more than once. This isn’t a one-time occurrence in major college football, either: last year I swear I saw someone on a ranked D-I team run out of the end zone on a kick return – only to take a knee on the two yard line.

2) The coaches are better.

Yes, I know that there are a lot of legendary coaches in college football, and there have been some downright horrible coaches in the NFL, but consider that two of the most legendary coaches of the last fifteen years, Pete Carroll and Steve Spurrier, were mediocre coaches in the NFL (and I’m being incredibly gracious to Mr. Spurrier right now). Meanwhile, Charlie Wies, who wasn’t even a head coach in the NFL, appears to have turned Notre Dame around in less than a year. Thanks to better players and coaching, you don’t see nearly as many games in the NFL decided by safeties, blocked kicks, fumbles, etc, at least not once you consider how many more close games there are in the NFL. By the way, the officials are better, the cheerleaders are better, and the Jumbotrons in most stadiums are better, too.

3) In order to repeat, you have to win the Championship for two years in a row.

Honestly, if I read one more person who mentions USC’s “three-peat” attempt, I’m going to snap my laptop in half.

****BREAKING NEWS********

LSU won the National Championship game two years ago. I swear, seriously, I can remember it. In the words of Mugatu, “Am I the only one who notices this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” As near as I can figure, USC ran the table in a good (or at least highly visible) conference and won the 3rd place game, which is apparently good enough to be considered Champions. Unless you’re Auburn.

Here’s the thing: by definition, you can’t have two Champions from the same year. The only difference between the 2004 Auburn and 2003 USC teams is that USC was picked first in a poll. Apparently, if you want to win in college football, generating lots of hype is every bit as important as actually winning football games. This brings me to my next point:

4) The NFL doesn’t have too many teams (well, at least not by a huge margin).

Don’t get me wrong. There’s something appealing about the fact that there’s a major sport with 117 teams. Except that nobody could name off all of them without somehow cheating. And if you’re one of the teams that people have a hard time naming off, what exactly do you think your chances are of generating enough hype to make it into college football’s two-team playoff even WITH an undefeated season? At least college basketball has devised a playoff system under which most decent teams will have a chance to win it all. Maybe I’m a softie, but I feel like 2 playoff teams out of 117 places a little bit too much emphasis on the regular season. (Yes, I have heard the “every game is a playoff game” argument for college football. This holds up pretty well until you realize that a playoff game should involve high stakes for both teams involved, and that any team that wins every playoff game it is in should be crowned champions in any sport).

5) The NFL has a salary cap.

This isn’t so much in reference to the fact that I find NFL players pretending to be working professionals funnier or more endearing than NCAA players pretending to be college students, nor am I implying that more than fifteen or twenty D-I schools actually pay their players. However, take a look at some of tonight’s scores (we’ll just look at the top 25 and schools from big conferences since everyone else’s season is already over):

Fresno State 42, Weber State 10 (at HALFTIME)
Texas 25, OSU 22
Notre Dame 17, Michigan 10
Virginia Tech 45, Duke 0
Florida State 62, The Citadel 10
Purdue 49, Akron 24
California 56, Washington 17
Oklahoma 31, Tulsa 15 (3 Field Goals, a TD, and a missed conversion, since I know you were wondering)
Boston College 44, Army 7
Texas Tech 56, Florida International 3
Wisconsin 65, Temple 0
Auburn 28, Mississippi State 0
Michigan State 42, Hawaii 14

In the first 8 weeks of the NFL season last year there were 14 games decided by 21 or more points (out of 116 games). (I just got really happy when I realized there are going to be 115 more NFL games in the next 8 weeks.)

I feel like I’ve made my point.

By the way, I included those two close games to illustrate another point. Two weeks into the season, and Michigan and OSU are D-U-N Done in terms of winning a title this year. Why the hell would I follow a sport where my team can be mathematically eliminated one-sixth of the way through the season?

6) There are only one or two true “run first” QBs in the NFL.

At first, you would think this was a negative, as you associate the scrambling Quarterback with exciting runs (a la Mike Vick), RB-like tackle breaking (think early Culpepper), and the ability to buy an impossible amount of time in the pocket (McNabb). The problem is, non-NFL ready QBs who think of themselves as scramblers are usually just plain ugly to watch. Even Vince Young (which sounds like the name of the new frontman for Whitesnake), who is supposed to be one of the best players in college football, was pretty tough to watch until Ohio State shut down the running game and he went to his arm (which is what he should have been doing all along). Troy Smith and dozens of other D-I QBs fit this mold, and for every breathtaking play there are about five horrific ones (like Young’s interception in the second quarter). The reason college teams love guys like this is that while savvy QBs who play within themselves and know when and when not to run are ideal during the grind of an NFL-style playoff, where you have to beat two or three great teams in a row and can’t afford to have your Quarterback kill the team. However, these athletic, scrambler Quarterbacks accomplish goal #2, which is to generate a ton of hype, since they can be billed as a ‘weapon unlike anything the game has ever seen.’ Most people will forget that Randall Cunningham was playing that style better than anyone currently in the NFL or NCAA back in the eighties.
Plus, the few guys who are able to play this style effectively eventually make it to the NFL, and by then they’re usually a little more polished.

7) The NFL hasn’t made any efforts to destroy the last remaining legacy of Native American culture in their original homeland.

I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory.

8) Fantasy sports work twice as well for the NFL as for anything else, including college football.

Let’s face it: fantasy football rocks. Thanks to fantasy football, most NFL fans are very knowledgeable about every team in the league, whereas as recently as the late 90s, people really only knew about the teams that were billed as contenders, their favorite team, and the teams in their favorite team’s division. It’s also a good way to keep in touch with eleven or twelve of your best friends indefinitely, especially if you don’t mind alienating everyone else in your life for half of the year. The thing is, only in football does every team play more or less once a week, which makes the head-to-head competition – the very core of its addictiveness to guys, who are competitive by nature for some reason – not only feasible, but also natural. And the NFL has the perfect number of players for a ten to twelve person league. To do a decent college fantasy league, you would probably need about thirty-five teams, and in order to be remotely competitive everyone would have to do way more research than you and your thirty-four closest friends are willing to put into a group hobby. Plus, thirty-five teams are too many for a fantasy league built around a twelve-week season…especially if you have a two-team playoff. Hey, maybe you could have random strangers vote on who should be in the championship, then it would be just like college football!

The sad thing is that more than half of these problems would be solved immediately if the NCAA adopted something as basic as an eight-team playoff (heck, even switching to a four-team playoff would get me interested in the sport), but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen soon, despite the fact that almost everyone thinks it would be a good idea. Would the NFL abandon a proposal that its entire fan base was clamoring for? That question I leave to you.

Last But Certainly Not Least

Actually, I probably am the least; I'm definitely the last one to introduce myself. It's too bad that Ekwall decided not to introduce Mark or myself because I guarantee what he would have said about me would have been much more concise, eloquent, and funny than anything you are about to read. Anyways, I am a second-year Medical Student at West Virginia University in the hills of Morgantown, WV. Unfortunately for you, my status as a Medical Student will prevent me from blogging as much as I would like to blog, but I promise to submit at least one entry a week from here on out.

As far as my specific background, I've spent most of my life as a nomad because my dad has been transferred a lot with his work. Because I've lived in so many places, a wide-range of influences have affected how I view sports and many of the opinions that I currently hold. As far as major sports, I am a big Atlanta guy, mainly because my earliest interactions with sports came during our time in Atlanta. I went to my first Braves game in 1988 for my sixth birthday, and I've been following the team ever since. I'm actually convinced that the soon-to-be fourteen straight division titles by the Braves is one the most underrated (and arguably one of the greatest) achievements in professional sports history. I'll spell out my reasons for this belief a little more clearly in a future entry, but at least I've given you something specific to look forward to reading. I'm also a big Falcons and Hawks fan, and I intend to delve into the states of these two franchises as soon as possible. As far as collegiate sports, I am in the process of becoming a Mountaineer fan, and my comments on this transition will also be appearing very soon. I also know quite a bit about the Midwest scene from my time at Wheaton, but I'll probably end up deferring to Ekwall on the majority of these topics. I prefer television to movies, and critiques of various TV shows will be appearing in this column from time to time. I love music, so new cds, concerts, and trends in music will also not be outside of the scope of this site. Be prepared for just about anything and hopefully you will enjoy reading all of it.

Anyways, I could go on and on about my specific background, but I think who I am will become more evident and apparent as entries are made. I'm excited about the possibilities of what this site could become for the three of us, and I also look to it as a way to keep in touch and dialogue with numerous friends. I can promise you that you'll receive opinions from three very passionate and opinionated people, so there should always be something to satisfy your appetite the way only a half order of the Nacho'rama can. Now if someone can send Rachel #2 our way, we'll go ahead and order.

Allow myself to introduce... myself

Mac Here, one of the three co-managers of the Village Tavern. Just thought I'd say hello to both of our committed readers out there. I'm super excited about this blog, if for no other reason than it gives me a way to say whatever I want to, and at least I will feel as if I have an audience. I trust that you'll find the posts on here worth reading, insightful, and most importantly, entertaining to read.

Since you've already met Ek, I'll just say a little bit about myself. I'm a college Graduate from a non-descript private midwestern Christion college in the Chicago suburbs; more importantly it was the home of the Thunder Track & Field Team. As you can see from my photo, I like to re-live the glory days of my career as a Decathlon who competed in Decathletes. I'm currently pursuing a Master's degree in Athletic Training in God's Country, the great state of Tennessee. I just happen to be a die-hard Tennessee Volunteers and Tennessee Titans fan, and my favorite sports to watch are football and basketball. I despise politics because it's, well, too political... so mostly I'll just talk about sports.

That's enough ABOUT me, but pretty soon you'll be hearing more FROM me...

Welcome to the Tavern

Well everyone, welcome to our blog, which has been named after The Village Tavern, which is probably the best restaurant in Wheaton - Cute waitresses, a full bar, multiple sporting events showing at all times, and two legitimate five-star items on the menu (The nachos and the chicken tenders, regular or buffalo - don't bother going there and getting anything else). Hopefully, for a little free advertising they'll refrain from suing us. Anyway, this is mostly going to consist of the various opinions of three Wheaton College graduates, as of yet we're looking at focusing mainly on sports.

I'll start with myself, I'm a self-admitted genius slacker (although I guess it's a little redundant to say "self-admitted" since I'm writing this about myself), I work in a financial aid office for an online school, and I've lived most of my life around Chicago, which is reflected in my sporting allegiances and probably other areas of my life that I'm not aware of. That's all you're getting from me, I don't need any angry readers slashing my tires in the future. I'll let the other guys describe themselves, although it might be funnier if I did it.

Anyway, you should keep reading this blog because:

1) You're getting three different perspectives on whatever we wind up writing about, plus all three of us are smarter than a lot of experts anyway (trust me).
2) It's eventually going to have tons of sweet pictures, links, and other things, as soon as one of us figures out how to do it.
3) Most of the other postings will be more entertaining than this one.
4) Let's face it, if you're randomly surfing around on blogger.com you probably don't have that much better to do.

All right, that's it. Welcome in, you may sit, enjoy your meal, and perform your task at your leisure.