Rapid Hope Loss

“Think of one moment you can call
the happiest moment of your life.
It’s gone.”
-Moneen

It was never supposed to end like this.

It may have been awhile since I honestly and objectively thought this team would win a World Series – it hasn’t felt like that kind of team since June – but it also didn’t feel like a team that would spend the last week of September playing out the string and looking like they can’t wait for the season to be over.

And at this point, neither can I. Because rooting for a good baseball team that’s completely falling apart isn’t like the same experience with football or basketball. It’s more like having a crappy job or being in a bad relationship – you can try not to think about it, but because it’s there almost every day this really doesn’t work. In a lot of ways, it’s almost better to root for a team that’s downright embarrassing, because you can relax fairly early in the season and almost make them into a running joke.

I shouldn’t complain much, because there are a lot of sports fans who wait their entire lives and never have something like we got last year, and quite frankly a lot of baseball fans who will have a long wait to get a season like this year was. But as far as seasons go, this has to be one of the toughest kinds to take – the one that goes from “crazy optimism” to “justified optimism” to “ok, there are some problems, but there’s still time to fix them” to “oh crap, I guess there wasn’t” in seven months. Yeah, some things in sports are worse, but not by a whole ton, at least not over this kind of period of time.

Frank Thomas and Magglio Ordonez absolutely killed us last week. In some ways, it was a weird sort of justice – the Sox had to get rid of Magglio to win a championship, and the hubris of victory was part of what enabled them to get rid of Frank. I have no problem with what happened with Magglio – he deliberately lied about his health to make money, and they found a replacement who was superior in every possible way – but the Frank Thomas thing was grossly mishandled. Yes, he was a self-centered a-hole, but he bled black and white and could have been kept relatively cheaply, and I think sometimes franchises take the “sports is a business” thing too far with their franchise players (although when I tried to avoid this with Ek’s Machine, Priest Holmes ran me into the ground for two years with injuries, so there might be a reason). I’m just honestly shocked we had to face both of those guys that late in the season – I’ll put it this way: from 2000 to 2004, the White Sox were a lock to make the playoffs as long as both Thomas and Ordonez could avoid major injuries (the Sox made the playoffs one time during that stretch).

The thing that’s a little vexing is that I have no idea how to go about fixing or improving this team – yes, it was dumb to not have a backup outfielder, especially since we had to watch The Adventures of Rob Mackowiak and Pablo Ozuna in the outfield all year, which made me jump in stark terror more times than the trailer for “The Descent.” And another middle reliever or two would help, except that middle relief guys are like kickers in fantasy football: they’re relatively cheap, there are usually decent ones available, they absolutely cannot be relied on from one year to the next, and it’s dumb to invest too much into that part of the team for those reasons. As frustrating as the lack of fundamentals was offensively, any Sox fan that would rather have the 2005 lineup than the 2006 one is a moron, and despite the fact that the rotation underachieved, I still wouldn’t trade our five starters for anyone else’s in the AL except for Oakland and maybe Minnesota.

Minnesota – ugh. I hate that we lost to those guys. I’ve always thought that the Cubs-White Sox “rivalry” was stupid and overblown: our real rivals are the Twins. Ironically, it seemed like all the injuries the Twins had actually helped them, as every underperforming veteran that went down was replaced by one of those young guys who doesn’t put up great numbers, but manages to hit in the .250s to .280s, plays with a ton of energy every day, and seems to come through when it matters a little more often than they should (the White Sox had a ton of those guys last season, and basically none this year, even though it was mostly the same players). I’ll also let you in on a secret that I’ve observed. Are you ready for it? Here it comes...

Minneapolis is a crappy sports town! It’s true! In the United States, the only other city in its league for crappy, disinterested fans is Atlanta (sorry Lewis, but you can’t really deny it). Now your first thought is going to be “wait, what about those crazy loud fans?” It’s because of that freaking Metrodome. All of those huge indoor stadiums amplify crowd noise, but the Metrodome seems to be among the worst/best in this respect, to the point that when Rex Grossman threw the game winner last Sunday, it sounded like it had happened at a Bears home game. Unless half of the people there were starting Rasheid Davis in their fantasy leagues that week, it should have been a tomb at that point. That place has to be the worst venue in American sports, and I’ll even include IHL rinks and minor-league baseball stadiums in the mix. Like most combo stadiums, it’s positively awful for baseball – they fold up the seats like at a high school gym and cover them with a big plastic tarp. This is defensible given the architectural problems involved, but what I don’t get is why they decided to make the roof the same color as the baseball, ensuring that the Metrodome ceiling will be involved in at least five “worst gems” every year (and it seems to happen to the Twins as often as the road team, so it’s not really an advantage). Everything they tried with the fake grass there has been a disaster, and I can’t remember the last time the Bears played there without somebody getting a turf-related injury.

Plus, the attendance numbers are awful for both the Timberwolves (which is defensible since they were awful for years and just finished wasting KG’s prime) and the Twins, who at one point were drawing so poorly that MLB was openly considering contracting the team, even though they were winning the AL Central every year at that point. They also had barely over 18,000 for their playoff clincher, after arguably their most enjoyable season since the 80s…I mean, could you even imagine that happening at a potential clincher in Chicago, or New York, or Boston, or Seattle or Miami or Anaheim? Or anywhere else besides maybe Atlanta? I actually don’t like to put a lot of stock in attendance to measure a fan base – Sox fans were unfairly ripped for this for years – but the other problem is that, with a few exceptions, the people I know from Minnesota are the people who I actually can’t just talk trash to when their teams tank: I have to inform them their team is tanking, then talk trash to them. That’s not even true of anyone I know from the South or the West coast (I should mention now that everyone I’ve met from that area has been very nice, and I know several cool people from around there…it’s just that it IS a bad sports town, and everyone assumes it isn’t because it’s in the Midwest).

After enough time goes by, I will look back fondly on this season, and you won’t hear me using this space to call for the Sox to get rid of Kenny Williams, Ozzie, or any of the hitters or rotation guys – for the most part, they were part of a championship team and I’ll hate to see any of them go. And I don’t think this happened because of bad pitchers or bad hitters or even bad fielders…but the Sox had something special, and sometime this summer, for reasons unexplained, they lost it.

Ok, I’m done. The Bears look fantastic, don’t they?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

A few months back I wrote an article detailing a few holidays that I wanted to see added to the corporate calendar. Well, I must now admit that a late retraction is needed, as I incredibly left what is swiftly becoming my favorite holiday of the year. I am speaking, of course, not of Labor Day, which most schools and companies respect for some reason, but of fantasy draft day.

Think about it – is there a better holiday of the entire year anymore? 80% of holidays are either spent with one’s family or one’s friends in the area – in other words, people you see every week. Draft day involves seeing good buddies that, in some cases, you only see that weekend. It also generally involves traveling, time off work, and drinking. Other than the option to wear ridiculous costumes in public and the impression of some sort of vague historical significance, there really isn’t anything missing.

This year we had our draft in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If you haven’t been, it’s one of those places that only exists in the South and the Midwest – it’s not easy to get to from anywhere, there’s nothing truly unique about it, and it’s inexplicably the biggest tourist trap in the state. We came to refer to it as the destination for people who don’t think Las Vegas is white trashy enough.

I’ll spare you all the details of the trip, although I will say it was everything a trip like that should be. I will go ahead and run down the first round of the draft, taking the opportunity to comment briefly on each team (apologies to those of you now reading about a fantasy league that you aren’t in, but I figure at this point you’d be happy just to be reading something on this page…)

1) L.A. Bias – Reggie Bush (keeping Culpepper, Lewis, and Dillon) – Sadly, because of some absolutely horrendous traffic “downtown,” a few of us didn’t make the beginning of the draft. So, while I really hope somebody managed to bust out a clip of Reggie saying, “I can’t believe you picked me first. That was dumb,” I can’t verify it. Now would be a good time to mention that this is a keeper league, so the pick wasn’t really all that awful – or surprising considering that Beau, who co-owns the team with Sexley, is currently attending USC and would want to support the one-time National Champions. Unfortunately, in this case the three keepers are Daunte Culpepper, Corey Dillon, and Jamal Lewis…things are so bad that Sexley has already resorted to posting a link to a dating service on the league page in an effort to provide distraction to the other owners. And I think I just made Rick’s head explode from coming up with ways to rip on us after that sentence.

2) Lewbombs – Willie Parker (keeping Portis, Hines Ward, and DeShaun Foster) – After last Thursday this is looking like a good pick. In our league Lewis is the guy who always does his homework and rarely makes questionable moves, but somehow only ends up with a slightly above-average team. This year he’s stuck dealing with the Portis situation. At this point, you pretty much know what you’re getting from DeShaun Foster. A DeShaun Foster season is not unlike Adam Sandler’s film career – a couple of brilliant performances, two or three stink bombs, three or four ok games, and an appearance on the injured list.

3) MEMBTR – Antoino Gates (keeping Chris Chambers, Stephen Jackson, and Kevin Jones) – I can understand this pick – Gate was the only legitimate star left on the board at this point, and I would have probably taken him, too…but unless you have GREAT keepers, taking a tight end in the first round is going to leave you woefully deficient at other positions. This was no exception, as Tan now is going to be starting either Maroney or one of the Jets running backs in the flex and Aaron Brooks at QB. Did I mention I play him twice this season? I love my schedule this year.

4) Longfellows – Chester Taylor (keeping Domanick Davis, Steve Smith, and LaMont Jordan) – The season hasn’t even started and Rob has already positioned himself as the team that would have been really good if everyone hadn’t gotten injured (he wound up with Darrel Jackson, too). Having had that team for the last two years in our league, I’ll just say I hope it causes Rob less frustration than it caused me.

5) Ek’s Machine – Mike Bell (keeping Cadillac Williams, Carson Palmer, and Reuben Droughns) – I wound up getting the guy I wanted in the first round. Not only should this give me a solid #3 runner, but you will also all get to enjoy the Tavern’s first “Mike Shanahan must die” article sometime this season…

6) KC Cocks – Wali Lundy (keeping Shaun Alexander, Ronnie Brown, and Larry Fitzgerald) – Probably the high point of the draft…Seume later realized that he had actually been looking at the wrong page of his cheat sheet. It’s a good thing, too, because this actually wound up being a pretty scary team. Although he also didn’t set his lineup before the Thursday game…and he had Ronnie Brown and the Steelers defense…so there’s a decent chance he ends up being That Guy that has a decent team but botches it by either not setting his lineup regularly or by making some awful trade. It’s usually been Noah, but he seems to be turning over a new leaf, and there HAS to be one That Guy in every league. It’s some kind of weird rule like the Madden Curse (which is the other reason this team isn’t as frightening as it could be. And yes, I did make sure to draft Maurice Morris).

7) Balkan Hawks – Ahman Green (keeping Marvin Harrison, Torry Holt, and Rudi Johnson) – This represents the That Guy who can’t make the draft and has his friend call in the picks, although it’s defensible in this case since he was in Europe and the draft probably ended at 4 am Macedonian time. It’s also a pseudo co-ownership, as the friend drafting also managed the team for a few weeks during a similar situation, infamously dropping Donovan McNabb (in a keeper league)…after some of these picks, I can’t imagine this draft is going to go over much better.

8) Zak Attack – Donald Driver (keeping Tomlinson, Westbrook, and Boldin) – Yes, I know, it’s a pretty bad reach. But he could have a pretty good season. This was supposed to be the Deadly Dental Duo’s pick, but they traded it, and another one later, for Willis McGahee. Yeah, I’m not really sure why, either.

9) Rayclops – Santana Moss (keeping Manning, Julius Jones, and Warrick Dunn) – Surprisingly Noho had a very solid draft to go with some solid keepers. See what I mean by turning over a new leaf? There’s still a lot of suspicion that he’s going to revert to his old ways and make some hideous trade that helps someone else (probably either Rob, Lewis, or Mark) make the championship game. I love it when stuff like this gets to the point where it’s predictable.

10) Zak Attack – Joseph Addai – Another borderline reach. I don’t know how Girden ended up with such a good team. But anyway, this happens every year with at least one team…there’s a disputed running back situation where the #2 guy goes before the #1 in almost every draft because the second guy allegedly has more talent (Tatum Bell is usually involved in at least one of these). When are people going to learn? I mean, who do you think is going to judge someone’s ability as a running back? You based on a couple preseason and college games, or an NFL coach based on an entire training camp with multiple practices every day? Actually, depending on who the coach is, hold that thought.

11) Longfellows – Frank Gore – Another pick via trade. A few picks before this, Mark, who drafted at the end of the first and was keeping two receivers, threw out the “gee, you guys really like running backs” comment. FYI, the teams out of the first round were the Deadly Dental Duo (with McGahee, Edgerrin James, and Reggie Wayne) and AARP (Larry Johnson, Randy Moss, and Deuce McAllister)…but if you’re still reading this there’s a 98% chance you’re in the league and already knew that.

12) GoldMEMber – Fred Taylor (keeping Tiki Barber, Terrel Owens, and Chad Johnson) – Unsurprisingly Mark’s already unloaded Taylor for Reggie Wayne, forming yet another three receiver team. It worked last year, but he also had Carson Palmer, Barber, and Mike Anderson, so it’s a little unfair to refer to that squad as a receiver team. While the phrase “it’s hard not to like Mark’s keepers” isn't really accurate, it IS hard not to admit that they’re good.

And that’s probably way more information than you wanted. Here’s how my team wound up:

Keepers:
RB Cadillac Williams
QB Carson Palmer
RB Reuben Droughns

Draft:
RB Mike Bell
WR Derrick Mason (I traded the 2nd round pick for Palmer, which should help explain this)
WR Drew Bennet
DEF Chicago (Every year I tell myself I’m not taking a defense early…and every year it still happens. I just can’t make myself not do it. Ugh.)
TE Jason Witten
RB Duce Staley (My only really bad pick, at least for now. At least I managed to cut him before the Steelers did.)
WR Michael Clayton
WR Deion Branch
RB Maurice Morris
QB Ben Roethlisberger
IDP Lofa Tatapu
K Matt Stover
WR Antwaan Randle El (also already gone…and we complain when athletes are disloyal)

All in all, I think it should be a solid team if everyone stays healthy, Mike Bell stays out of the doghouse, and either I add a receiver somehow or Michael Clayton reveals that he played the entire 2005 season with a broken femur and it’s better now. With any luck it’s a playoff team, but that’s probably too many ifs for me to realistically predict I’m winning the league.

So who’s taking it? Looking over the league quickly, other than mine, there are five teams that could realistically win it with something resembling the rosters they have now: Rayclops, AARP, KC Cocks, Zak Attack, and Goldmember. I’m throwing out Rayclops because of his history of botching decent-looking teams, AARP because they’re going to have Quarterback problems all year (right now it’s Mike Vick and Chris Simms), and KC Cocks because they have to deal with the Madden Curse and there’s just no way anyone should win the league after making the worst pick of the first round. Which leaves Zak Attack and Goldmember in the final. I’m going with Zak Attack. I just don’t like to bet against Tomlinson, plus there’s a decent chance TO will have done something to get himself kicked out of the league at that point.

Ah, screw it. I’m winning this thing.