16 Brothers I'd Like to Smash

Since the VT is on the subject of video games for the moment, I figured now would be the time to write an article about one of my favorite games from the last line of consoles – specifically, Super Smash Brothers Melee. What made this game so great was that it finally provided an opportunity to prove, once and for all, who amongst your friends really was the best at the old-school, platform-jumping games, which had previously not been provided (with the notable exception of the extra head-to-head game in Mario Bros. 3).

The only real gripe with the game to this point is the characters that have been chosen – not that they lack balance or don't allow for different playing styles, but they leave out too many of the iconic heroes of video game lore, while including characters like Young Link, NES, Captain Falcon, Falco, those two Japanese guys with swords nobody had ever heard of, and about sixteen characters from Pokemon.

Fortunately, the Village Tavern is here to help. Here's my top 16 video games characters that haven't appeared in Smash Bros. yet and should...

16.Worm
Series: Worms

While these brave and creative little worm warriors might even be second to Earthworm Jim or (“Puta Earthworm James”) as the most famous video game worms, but after their games took up a solid portion of my freshman year, I'd be more than willing to see a worm running around with the Ninja Rope, Parachute, Bazooka, and Holy Hand Grenade, and I'd be even more excited to pick up mad cows, a Super Banana Bomb, or Concrete Donkey at the end of a close Smash Bros. game.

15. Diablo
Series: Diablo

As my friend Noho was once fond of saying: “Make no mistake: Diablo is a badass.” And while he probably wouldn't be that different from Bowser, he could provide a faster “heavyweight” character, and it would be an excuse to include a Chaos Sanctuary level where a horde of minions came and wiped everyone out every time someone stepped on a seal.

14. Wario
Series: Mario Brothers

Wario has long been one of the more mysterious characters in the Mario Brothers Universe. Wario sometimes appears as a villain and sometimes as a pseudo-hero, and it's unclear whether he's somehow related to Mario and Luigi, if him and Walugi are the Mario Brothers from the backwards Bizzaro World, or if they are the result of a failed cloning experiment by Bowser's scientist kid (at least I think one of the Koopalings was supposed to be a scientist). Anyway, Wario's the only one on this list that I can confirm actually will be in the new Smash Brothers Game, so I'll throw out the idea of having him drive around his Mario Kart in the game...this would make him a different character, as opposed to a slower and stronger version of his alter-ego/stepbrother/original form Mario. I also think a case could be made that the MarioKart spinoff has become an iconic series in its own right on the level of anything but the original SMB series and Zelda, so it should be represented. At the very least, I think the Lightning Bolt and Lead Killer could be incorporated as weapons.

13. Donatello
Series: TMNT

What was great about the Ninja Turtles was that each one had something going for them: Leonardo was the de facto leader and could be considered the “main character” to the extent the series had one, Raphael was the most nuanced and interesting as a character, and Michaelangelo got most of the funny lines. While Donatello's “inventor” gimmick was kind of lame, his true strength was that he was the Turtle that dominated every TMNT video game ever made. This is primarily because his weapon was so much longer than those of the other Ninja Turtles...

12. Shang Tsung
Series: Mortal Kombat

Ok, Shang Tsung's actual powers were a little bit lame, but it would be nice to see the MK series represented, and it's also a fun idea to have a guy in there who could morph into some of the other characters. That, and I would enjoy watching Pikachu getting his spine ripped out.

11. Ryu
Series: Ninja Gaiden

While the 8-bit Ninja Gaiden games may not be among the first old Nintendo games you'd rush to go back and play, they definitely had their following. The series has enjoyed a renaissance in recent years thanks to Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden Black for the Xbox and Ninja Gaiden Sigma for the PS3 (all of which, by the way, are more or less the same game). I could imagine a character modeled after the more recent version of Ryu being tons of fun to play, especially if one remembers that the purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people...

10. Falling Blocks
Series: Tetris

Ok, I admit that this one is way off the beaten path, but honestly if there's one video game series that you can play for hours on end with darn near anybody, it's Tetris, and I think it would be fun to try and crush the other players with falling Tetris blocks. You could go a few different directions with this one, too – there could just be an item where you drop Tetris garbage on your enemies, or you could get smashed when your blocks get knocked up to the top, or the blocks could morph into some block-man juggernaut once you create a gold square. I might think about this a little too much.

9. Sam Fisher
Series: Splinter Cell

I suppose I'm kind of getting my wish with this one, since Snake (from Metal Gear) is being included in the new game, and he and Sam are essentially the same person at different stages in their careers. Still, Sam possessed a nice array of close-range attacks, and could shoot sticky shockers and sleeping gas cameras all over the place, so I think this would work.

8. Diddy Kong
Series: Donkey Kong Country (among others)

DK's answer to “mini-me” has, for reasons unknown, so far been uninvited to the Smash Brothers Party. I mean sure, last time he was around the rug got some nasty stains and we had to reupholster the couch, but what do you expect, he's a monkey? And besides, if you're going to have Mario and Luigi or Link and Young Link, doesn't it make sense to have Donkey and Diddy, especially considering that there actually were some differences between those two?

7. Master Hand
Series: Smash Brothers

It would be weird to control, and I can't say I miss the ability to use it a ton, but seriously, in what other fighting game can you not play with the end boss after you've beaten it on single player mode?

6. Blanka
Series: Street Fighter

Like most people, I was first exposed to the one-on-one, arcade tournament fighter game by Street Fighter II, which also helped start the trend of making nine sequels to a game and never going higher than “III” on the Roman Numeral count (instead using “editions”). While enjoying and promoting this sort of mano-a-mano violent competition amongst animals can end (somewhat) promising NFL careers, all that it cost me to fight simulated humans against each other was bags and bags of quarters. Anyway, my favorite, and probably the most memorable, fighter in that game was Blanka, who for reasons unexplained was a green electrified mutant. Maybe I liked him because he was one of the few video game personalities with more chest hair than me, or maybe it was because as a kid I couldn't figure out any special moves other than the crouching electric shock.

5. The Master Chief
Series: Halo

As much of a letdown as Halo 2 was, it's hard to ignore the fact that the Chief is the closest thing the new generation of video game heroes has to a potential Mario or Link. And if you give him a plasma pistol, some sticky grenades, and some smash moves with the energy sword, he'd indeed be formidable. Unfortunately, with Sony's gaming division on the fast track to bankruptcy, the Master Chief represents the face (or non-transparent visor) of Nintendo's real competition, so it will probably never happen.

4. Sonic the Hedgehog
Series: Sonic the Hedgehog

Let's face it: the cold war with Sega is long over. I'm pretty sure you can even play old Sega games on the Wii now. And since the Sega really only produced one memorable platforming series (which is probably why it lost), it's high time it was remembered properly.

3. Mega Man
Series: Mega Man

As arguably the most versatile video game hero ever (once you were near the end of the game, anyway) and the star of about twenty classic (if kind of similar) games, this should be an absolute no-brainer. They only hard part is choosing which of the many weapons in the Mega Man series to equip him with.

2. Simon Belmont
Series: Castlevania

This is comparable to Mega Man as a noteworthy slight in the SSB series. Or one spot ahead of it in my mind, apparently. It's so obvious I don't even really feel the need to explain it.

1. Bo Jackson
Series: Tecmo Bowl (among others)

As a sports website first, the Village Tavern would be remiss if we did not include the greatest video game athlete of all time on our list. While one might naturally assume this should be a star from the video game era such as Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Barry Bonds, Greg Maddux, Barry Sanders, or Peyton Manning, but instead, it's a backup running back from the Raiders who could also play a little baseball. Exceeding the abilities of even running backs on historical teams like Walter Payton and Jim Brown, Bo Jackson was capable of tossing multiple defenders aside and taking the rock to the house from anywhere on the field, even against defenses schemed specifically against him. Not even the great Jeremy Roenick could match Bo's greatness, and he was good.