16 Brothers I'd Like to Smash

Since the VT is on the subject of video games for the moment, I figured now would be the time to write an article about one of my favorite games from the last line of consoles – specifically, Super Smash Brothers Melee. What made this game so great was that it finally provided an opportunity to prove, once and for all, who amongst your friends really was the best at the old-school, platform-jumping games, which had previously not been provided (with the notable exception of the extra head-to-head game in Mario Bros. 3).

The only real gripe with the game to this point is the characters that have been chosen – not that they lack balance or don't allow for different playing styles, but they leave out too many of the iconic heroes of video game lore, while including characters like Young Link, NES, Captain Falcon, Falco, those two Japanese guys with swords nobody had ever heard of, and about sixteen characters from Pokemon.

Fortunately, the Village Tavern is here to help. Here's my top 16 video games characters that haven't appeared in Smash Bros. yet and should...

16.Worm
Series: Worms

While these brave and creative little worm warriors might even be second to Earthworm Jim or (“Puta Earthworm James”) as the most famous video game worms, but after their games took up a solid portion of my freshman year, I'd be more than willing to see a worm running around with the Ninja Rope, Parachute, Bazooka, and Holy Hand Grenade, and I'd be even more excited to pick up mad cows, a Super Banana Bomb, or Concrete Donkey at the end of a close Smash Bros. game.

15. Diablo
Series: Diablo

As my friend Noho was once fond of saying: “Make no mistake: Diablo is a badass.” And while he probably wouldn't be that different from Bowser, he could provide a faster “heavyweight” character, and it would be an excuse to include a Chaos Sanctuary level where a horde of minions came and wiped everyone out every time someone stepped on a seal.

14. Wario
Series: Mario Brothers

Wario has long been one of the more mysterious characters in the Mario Brothers Universe. Wario sometimes appears as a villain and sometimes as a pseudo-hero, and it's unclear whether he's somehow related to Mario and Luigi, if him and Walugi are the Mario Brothers from the backwards Bizzaro World, or if they are the result of a failed cloning experiment by Bowser's scientist kid (at least I think one of the Koopalings was supposed to be a scientist). Anyway, Wario's the only one on this list that I can confirm actually will be in the new Smash Brothers Game, so I'll throw out the idea of having him drive around his Mario Kart in the game...this would make him a different character, as opposed to a slower and stronger version of his alter-ego/stepbrother/original form Mario. I also think a case could be made that the MarioKart spinoff has become an iconic series in its own right on the level of anything but the original SMB series and Zelda, so it should be represented. At the very least, I think the Lightning Bolt and Lead Killer could be incorporated as weapons.

13. Donatello
Series: TMNT

What was great about the Ninja Turtles was that each one had something going for them: Leonardo was the de facto leader and could be considered the “main character” to the extent the series had one, Raphael was the most nuanced and interesting as a character, and Michaelangelo got most of the funny lines. While Donatello's “inventor” gimmick was kind of lame, his true strength was that he was the Turtle that dominated every TMNT video game ever made. This is primarily because his weapon was so much longer than those of the other Ninja Turtles...

12. Shang Tsung
Series: Mortal Kombat

Ok, Shang Tsung's actual powers were a little bit lame, but it would be nice to see the MK series represented, and it's also a fun idea to have a guy in there who could morph into some of the other characters. That, and I would enjoy watching Pikachu getting his spine ripped out.

11. Ryu
Series: Ninja Gaiden

While the 8-bit Ninja Gaiden games may not be among the first old Nintendo games you'd rush to go back and play, they definitely had their following. The series has enjoyed a renaissance in recent years thanks to Ninja Gaiden and Ninja Gaiden Black for the Xbox and Ninja Gaiden Sigma for the PS3 (all of which, by the way, are more or less the same game). I could imagine a character modeled after the more recent version of Ryu being tons of fun to play, especially if one remembers that the purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people...

10. Falling Blocks
Series: Tetris

Ok, I admit that this one is way off the beaten path, but honestly if there's one video game series that you can play for hours on end with darn near anybody, it's Tetris, and I think it would be fun to try and crush the other players with falling Tetris blocks. You could go a few different directions with this one, too – there could just be an item where you drop Tetris garbage on your enemies, or you could get smashed when your blocks get knocked up to the top, or the blocks could morph into some block-man juggernaut once you create a gold square. I might think about this a little too much.

9. Sam Fisher
Series: Splinter Cell

I suppose I'm kind of getting my wish with this one, since Snake (from Metal Gear) is being included in the new game, and he and Sam are essentially the same person at different stages in their careers. Still, Sam possessed a nice array of close-range attacks, and could shoot sticky shockers and sleeping gas cameras all over the place, so I think this would work.

8. Diddy Kong
Series: Donkey Kong Country (among others)

DK's answer to “mini-me” has, for reasons unknown, so far been uninvited to the Smash Brothers Party. I mean sure, last time he was around the rug got some nasty stains and we had to reupholster the couch, but what do you expect, he's a monkey? And besides, if you're going to have Mario and Luigi or Link and Young Link, doesn't it make sense to have Donkey and Diddy, especially considering that there actually were some differences between those two?

7. Master Hand
Series: Smash Brothers

It would be weird to control, and I can't say I miss the ability to use it a ton, but seriously, in what other fighting game can you not play with the end boss after you've beaten it on single player mode?

6. Blanka
Series: Street Fighter

Like most people, I was first exposed to the one-on-one, arcade tournament fighter game by Street Fighter II, which also helped start the trend of making nine sequels to a game and never going higher than “III” on the Roman Numeral count (instead using “editions”). While enjoying and promoting this sort of mano-a-mano violent competition amongst animals can end (somewhat) promising NFL careers, all that it cost me to fight simulated humans against each other was bags and bags of quarters. Anyway, my favorite, and probably the most memorable, fighter in that game was Blanka, who for reasons unexplained was a green electrified mutant. Maybe I liked him because he was one of the few video game personalities with more chest hair than me, or maybe it was because as a kid I couldn't figure out any special moves other than the crouching electric shock.

5. The Master Chief
Series: Halo

As much of a letdown as Halo 2 was, it's hard to ignore the fact that the Chief is the closest thing the new generation of video game heroes has to a potential Mario or Link. And if you give him a plasma pistol, some sticky grenades, and some smash moves with the energy sword, he'd indeed be formidable. Unfortunately, with Sony's gaming division on the fast track to bankruptcy, the Master Chief represents the face (or non-transparent visor) of Nintendo's real competition, so it will probably never happen.

4. Sonic the Hedgehog
Series: Sonic the Hedgehog

Let's face it: the cold war with Sega is long over. I'm pretty sure you can even play old Sega games on the Wii now. And since the Sega really only produced one memorable platforming series (which is probably why it lost), it's high time it was remembered properly.

3. Mega Man
Series: Mega Man

As arguably the most versatile video game hero ever (once you were near the end of the game, anyway) and the star of about twenty classic (if kind of similar) games, this should be an absolute no-brainer. They only hard part is choosing which of the many weapons in the Mega Man series to equip him with.

2. Simon Belmont
Series: Castlevania

This is comparable to Mega Man as a noteworthy slight in the SSB series. Or one spot ahead of it in my mind, apparently. It's so obvious I don't even really feel the need to explain it.

1. Bo Jackson
Series: Tecmo Bowl (among others)

As a sports website first, the Village Tavern would be remiss if we did not include the greatest video game athlete of all time on our list. While one might naturally assume this should be a star from the video game era such as Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Barry Bonds, Greg Maddux, Barry Sanders, or Peyton Manning, but instead, it's a backup running back from the Raiders who could also play a little baseball. Exceeding the abilities of even running backs on historical teams like Walter Payton and Jim Brown, Bo Jackson was capable of tossing multiple defenders aside and taking the rock to the house from anywhere on the field, even against defenses schemed specifically against him. Not even the great Jeremy Roenick could match Bo's greatness, and he was good.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess [A Review]

After a long absence from contributing to the VT, I figured I needed to tackle something I’m very passionate about to make an effective return. Anyone who knows me, knows ‘The Legend of Zelda’ series is one of my passions. What follows is the first videogame review for the VT, a review of ‘The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess’ for the Nintendo Wii.

Story: 7.5
At first ‘Twilight Princess’ starts off just like almost every other Zelda game; Link, a young boy on the verge of manhood, wakes up to a day that will change his life forever. The princess is in danger, he’s a hero chosen by the gods, and the Triforce will somehow be stuck in there in ways that might, or might not (likely not, in fact) be fully explained. Link will gradually become a man, travel to the remote areas of the world, and will be forced to stop Gannon(dorf), whether or not the story had anything to do with him when it first began. Add improvements, and repeat.
Let’s be honest, actual story telling is not the strength of this series; and no one cares. As ‘Twilight Princess’ advances, the story actually has a surprising amount of gravity to it; at least for a Zelda game. Link’s new companion, Midna, along with the inclusion of the Twilight realm creates a story with enough new twists to at least keep you interested between challenging puzzles and action sequences.

Gameplay: 10.0
This is where the Legend of Zelda has always shined; and the day that this changes is the day Nintendo needs to retire the series for good (may it never happen!). ‘Twilight Princess’ keeps intact the basic control scheme of targeting to handle difficulties involved with controlling a character in a 3-D world developed for ‘Ocarina of Time’, with only minor improvements. The changes are minor, but that’s fine because it’s still the best control scheme for a 3-D game ever developed.
The biggest change in control comes due to the fact that this game is played with a Wii-mote and Nunchuk attachment. The game designers have done an excellent job of transferring the controls to the modified button configuration, while greatly improving control aspects involving targeting, such as shooting a bow or aiming the hookshot. Oh yeah, and and when you swing the Wii-mote or Nunchuck, you swing your sword or shield, respectively. It’s not a 1:1 scheme, which has upset many people, and feels just slightly tacked-on (remember, this was originally a Gamecube game). However, it never detracts at all form the experience, and frequently adds to it.
The combat system has also evolved one step beyond ‘Wind Waker’, which implemented the “Parry” technique into combat. There are now 6 specialty attack techniques, which must be acquired throughout the course of the game. While not a revolutionary step, it’s a very nice addition to an already streamlined combat system.

Difficulty: 8.5
When ‘Wind Waker’ came out for the Gamecube, many people just couldn’t handle the dramatic graphical shift. My biggest complaint, however, with ‘Wind Waker’ was the difficulty of the game. The game had good length, and the puzzles were as mentally challenging as any Zelda game prior. The fighting, however, lacked any real challenge. I think the only time I actually had to continue in the game was when I playfully attacked an animal (I giant pig) until it back lashed enough to kill me; sadly, I wasn’t carrying a fairy in a bottle at the time.
This is a problem that ‘Twilight Princess’, for the most part, rectifies. The action sequences are significantly more challenging, even if a skilled player will rarely be in true danger of dying. The puzzles are also challenging, and fairly fresh. The one thing that seems to really hurt the challenge of the game is the unevenness off the difficulty level. One dungeon can be infinitely more difficult than another, and it has nothing to do with the sequence in which the dungeons are completed. On top of that, the end boss fight, while fairly long and creative, isn’t particularly difficult. As a result, the game ends on a bit of an anti-climax from an action-sense, which is really a shame.

Graphics: 8.0
The graphics in ‘Twilight Princess’ neither lead the gamer to be impressed nor leave him or her greatly disappointed. It’s pretty much a good looking, but not great looking game. No one will confuse it with an XBox360 or PS3 game, and most can easily see the game for the Gamecube port that it is. That being said, it’s a very good-looking Gamecube game. While some are sure to be disappointed by these facts, I never found the graphics distractingly poor, and enjoyed seeing a Zelda game that takes the more “realistic” graphical approach (as opposed to ‘Wind Waker’, which was an enjoyable shift in its own right) in action.

Value: 10.0
I’m a notoriously thorough gamer when it comes to the Zelda series. As a result, I’m quite slow when it comes to beating these games. I like to leave, literally, no stone unturned, no blade of grass uncut, and no pot unbroken. With two very minor side quests not quite completed (don’t worry, I’ll be going back to complete them!), I finished the game after a lengthy 83 hours of gameplay. If anyone can find a single-player game out there that provides that kind of longevity, please let me know what games it is, and if it’s any good!

Legacy: Everybody’s Second Favorite
Is it the best Zelda game ever? That was the hype surrounding the ‘Twilight Princess’ when it was released, and it’s high praise to have to live up to! Keep in mind that numerous publications gave ‘The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time’ not only a 10.0/10.0 ranking, but touted it as the best video game of all time when it came out for the N64 many years ago. Even those who disagreed couldn’t argue with the fact that many people thought that; it was just an exceptional game.
So where does ‘Twilight Princess’ fit in? Unfortunately, that is an answer I’m not sure I can fully give. The game is excellent. It fits right in the upper tier of all-time video games, just like ‘A Link to the Past’, ‘Ocarina of Time’, and ‘Wind Waker’ (many people would dispute the virtues of this game, but I would argue for it as the 2nd most enjoyable game in the series, after ‘A Link to the Past’, and the numerous Game of the Year awards it won would seem to support that). If I had to guess, when more time has passed and fans of the series can look back at ‘Twilight Princess’ more objectively, I see it become many people’s second favorite, but not many people’s favorite. It does everything well, it just doesn’t stand out in any way. ‘A Link to the Past’ is more fun, ‘Ocarina of Time was more ground-breaking (introducing 3-D graphics/controls, and expanding the scope of all video games to a new level), and ‘Wind Waker’ provided the most unique experience of them all. In the end it has many of the best aspects of the previous Zelda games wrapped into one complete package; it just doesn’t have any elements that it can stand on as its claim to glory all on its own.

Quite Possibly the Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Read

I wasn’t planning to write an article tonight. After all, it hasn’t even been two months yet since our last post. But I saw this article on ESPN.com, and had to respond immediately. Now, it is a commonly held opinion around here that ESPN tends to emphasize coastal-area teams above those in the Midwest and the South. And I can take it when they assert that the AL East is still the best division in baseball, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary (for example, the NL Central has had a team in the World Series for the last three years, while the AL Central features a whopping four legitimate contenders this season). And the dubious claims that the Bears would have been completely outclassed by the Patriots, Ravens, and Chargers. But this is not going to stand…so here’s the entire article, with my commentary. (Note: since I am not exactly a formatting genius…and yes, I know that we’ve had this site for almost two years…I’m putting the article in normal type and my comments in parenthesis.)

Putting Kobe in perspective
By Jemele Hill
Page 2
Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan (Wait….WHAT?! I’ve got to hear this).

Not more successful. (oh, ok…so how is he better?)

Hasn't had a bigger economic impact. (Definitely true.)

Hasn't won more MVPs. (Also true – MJ 5, Kobe 0…although you could make a strong case that both players deserved at least one or two more.)

Hasn't won more titles. (Excellent point.)

But he's a better player. (Oh, ok. I’m glad to see that evaluating someone as a basketball player is not based on their success on the court, economic impact, individual awards, or team success…then I guess it’s statistics, the last refuge of people who want to have strong opinions about sports without actually watching them…so, for the record, MJ averaged 30.1 points, 6.2 rebounds, and 5.3 assists, and 2.3 steals per game in his career, while Kobe averages 23.9/5.1/4.5/1.5.)

Kobe can do everything Michael did, and even a few things Michael couldn't do. (Apparently winning the same number of titles, winning AN MVP award, and putting up MJ’s #s are not included in “everything Michael did.” I will concede that Kobe has done some things that MJ has not; it’s just that a lot of these were not good things.)

Kobe is just as good a defender (This claim is dubious, although not completely idiotic. While MJ averaged almost a whole steal more per game, he was rarely defending the other team’s best player since he played with Pippen. I can’t recall many instances of either player being lit up). His killer instinct is just as pronounced (Also debatable. MJ’s increased dramatically in playoff games, however, while Kobe’s seems to be relatively constant over the course of the season). He can shoot, finish and explode (along with almost every good scorer in the history of the NBA). And just like Jordan, the more he's pissed off, the more unstoppable he is (the two players were similar in this respect. However, while Kobe’s anger is primarily directed towards scoring, MJ directed his competitive fury towards doing whatever was most necessary to winning the game, be it scoring, defense, rebounding, or hustling after loose balls. "You play to win the game! Hello?!").

At the very least, Kobe's scoring spree over the last week should put to rest any lingering doubts that he's the best player in the NBA (No, it proves he is the best scorer in the NBA, which is different, although I doubt anyone really would have ever said he wasn't. You know, aside from the fact that there are other guys averaging more points per game right now). Yes, better than Steve Nash, who is the best point guard, but not the lethal force that Kobe is (This is subjective, but I would argue that Nash can score 20 and add 50 points to his team’s point total for the game, while Kobe is capable of scoring 50 and adding 20 to the Lakers point total). Yes, better than Dwyane Wade, who is certainly closer to the Kobe-Jordan level than LeBron James, but D-Wade's game is not as polished as Kobe's (I’m not getting into DWade vs. LeBron right now; let’s wait until they’ve been around for a few years).

Kobe's streak of four straight 50-points-plus games is something none of those players can do, and it's something that hasn't been done since Wilt Chamberlain, who had an NBA-record seven straight 50-point games. Truthfully, Kobe should have tacked another 50 on Golden State on Sunday night (Apparently, the Warriors, traditionally a defensive powerhouse, were able to do a better job of shutting Kobe down than – get this – the Blazers, Timberwolves, Grizzlies, and Hornets. By the way, remember when almost half of the teams in the NBA were solid defensively? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the NBA has gotten much more fun to watch lately, but after the Pistons, Rockets, Bulls, Spurs, and Mavs, what teams in the NBA make you think “goodness, we’re really going to have to fight for every basket against these guys?”).

Of course, the idea that Kobe is better than Jordan -- or even the best player in this league -- is as repugnant to some folks as a rectal exam (That’s a horrible comparison. Rectal exams usually serve some useful purpose, and can even save lives on occasion. This is way worse). Even though Kobe has proven himself under pressure countless times, he gets the A-Rod treatment.

Kobe can't please anyone. And it doesn't help that most people suffer from revisionist history when it comes to Jordan, forgetting that he was just as poor a teammate and a ball hog and that he ran off coach Doug Collins like Kobe ran off Phil Jackson the first time (It is true that Doug Collins was run off partly because he couldn’t get through to the team’s superstar, which when you have someone irreplaceable, is as good a reason as any to run off a coach. Incidentally, the SAME GUY who was instrumental in getting MJ to start playing team basketball on offense and thereby win championships was unable to get through to Kobe in any kind of meaningful and permanent way, despite getting him at a more formative point in his career).

In fact, you could argue that Jordan was even worse. Far as we know, Kobe hasn't jacked up any of his teammates the way Jordan punched out Steve Kerr and Will Perdue at practice (see, there’s ANOTHER thing MJ did that Kobe never could have. Will Perdue would have beaten the crap out of Kobe if that happened. It also merits pointing out that Purdue and Kerr both remained productive players for the Bulls after that happened, although I am using “productive” loosely in Purdue’s case…but the point is neither guy got worse to an Odomlike extent, or had to leave the team. Also, if we’re going to criticize Jordan’s ball-hogging tendencies early in his career, I will point out that MJ was a ball-hog that developed into a great team player – and probably improved at the professional level more than any other athlete I can remember. Kobe began his career as a reserve on an average team and eventually developed into something resembling the ball-hog version of MJ).

Kobe will never be forgiven for Shaq's departure, but you're delusional if you think Jordan wouldn't have had any ego issues playing alongside a player with Shaq's star power (The ego issues stem primarily from the fact that Kobe wanted to be the best player on a team, which he never was when Shaq was around - he all but admitted this outright at the time. Which means that Kobe has NEVER been the best player on a championship team, and probably never can be, unless he drastically changes his style of play or the league makes the rules even more ridiculously scorer-friendly. Kobe vs. Pippen might be a more interesting debate. Also, while none of them were the cultural force that Shaq was, Phil Jackson, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Toni Kukoc, and Jerry Krause all had massive egos that threatened to tear the team apart every off-season, and eventually did after MJ’s second retirement).

The best-player argument shouldn't be determined by personal dislike. But if you want to take it there, fine. Jordan was hardly the ideal husband, but only the tabloids were brave enough to venture into his personal life. And what about those gambling issues? If Jordan's life had been covered like Kobe's, we would have an entirely different opinion of His Airness. (This is ridiculous. Jordan was scrutinized as heavily as any non-politician in my lifetime. It’s also definitely possible that the New York media tried to manufacture a negative story about MJ towards the end of each season in the early 90’s to throw him off his game for the playoffs. While MJ was, and is, a very flawed human being, I think he had fewer character issues than Kobe, although as the writer points out this shouldn’t be relevant).

Besides a different level of media scrutiny, there was definitely a difference in the level of competition during Jordan's heyday compared to now (anyone that has followed the NBA for the last fifteen years would agree with this, although I am not sure how this helps Kobe’s case…).

Yesterday's NBA player certainly was more fundamentally sound, but there's no question that today's player is bigger, stronger and faster. When Jordan played, he was a singular force that could not be equaled. Jordan was guarded by the likes of John Starks and Joe Dumars, who were fine players but weren't nearly as skilled or physically imposing as LeBron, D-Wade, Tracy McGrady or even Vince Carter (the fact that the person that wrote this is seriously trying to imply that Vince Carter is a better defender than Joe Dumars or John Starks should be all that you need to immediately dismiss the rest of the article).

The NBA is tougher now (you have GOT to be kidding me. MJ played with and against Charles Oakley, Scottie Pippen, Bill Cartwright, Patrick Ewing, Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer, Xavier McDaniel, John Starks, Karl Malone, Horace Grant, Reggie Miller, the Davis Boys, Charles Barkley, John Stockton, and young Shaq. Other than Wallace, Nocioni, Duncan, Bowen, and AI, what current NBA players would you put in that class as far as “toughness?” Not to mention the fact that Eastern Conference NBA playoff games were like gang fights in Jordan’s era. In nearly every series, something happened that would result in a ten-game suspension now. Now, you can actually get away with more defensive contact in a pickup game where the offense calls the fouls than in an NBA game).

Kobe, like Michael, is surrounded with mediocre to below-average talent, and Phoenix, Dallas and San Antonio are all better than the Utah, Portland and the Charles Barkley-led Phoenix team that Michael met in the NBA Finals (this is part of the reason that MJ’s Bulls always beat those teams and Kobe’s Lakers lose in the first or second round of the playoffs every year. The other reason was that JORDAN WAS MUCH BETTER THAN KOBE YOU IDIOT!!!!!).

Hakeem Olajuwon, David Robinson and Patrick Ewing will be among the best centers ever, but none of them affected the league the way Shaq and Tim Duncan have. There are two two-time MVPs in Kobe's own conference (Duncan, Nash), which is a problem Jordan never faced during his championship runs (mostly because Jordan won the MVP most years during his prime and prevented other players currently in the Hall of Fame, many of whom were as good as or better than Duncan or Nash, from winning multiple MVPs). Seven-footers weren't launching 3s back then. Magic Johnson and the Lakers were on a downward spiral, and the Pistons were on their last legs. It was Michael and everyone else. That's not the case for Kobe (not only have we now offended MJ fans and proctologists in this article, now we’re starting to lose fans of the Knicks, Pacers, Cavs, Sonics, Blazers, and Jazz. By the way, the Pistons were coming off of back-to-back championships when they were knocked off by MJ in 1991. They are remembered as having been on their last legs at that point because they lost...now there's some "revisionist history" for you!).

The shame of it is that Kobe might finish his career without a MVP (that actually would be a shame), even though his ability can be compared only to that of Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain (and T-Mac, and Pierce, and Wade…). All this time we've been looking for a player who is better than Jordan, but most of us can't get beyond whether we like or dislike Kobe as a person to recognize his contributions to the game (no, the biggest thing I can’t get past is the fact that he’s still never been the best player on a championship team, and that his career and playoff statistics are inferior to MJ’s despite playing in a more offense-friendly era. That said, Kobe is an amazing player and should be appreciated for what he is - he’s just not remotely close to what MJ was).

Ultimately the MVP award will go to either Nash or Dirk Nowitzki, who are deserving this season, but neither are as good as Kobe. Dallas and Phoenix are strong enough to make the playoffs without their stars (It’s debatable in Phoenix’s case. They’d probably be a 7 or 8 seed in the West). The Lakers, however, are a lottery team without Kobe (True…but only because Shaq, who would still be on the Lakers, has been injured for most of this year).

Now that's a valuable player (I will concede that there was one truly valid point in this article - although NBA players are worse at dribbling, shooting, passing, and basketball intelligence than they were during MJ's era, they are bigger, stronger, and faster. This is primarily because the talent pool the NBA pulls from has increased drastically since the 1990s. Not only is basketball (although not necessarily the NBA) as big as it ever was in the United States, it has joined soccer, hockey, and baseball as a legitimate international sport. The NBA is now reaping the benefits of its dramatic increase in popularity fifteen to twenty years ago. Now, I wonder who is responsible for that...because that would be one valuable player, too).

Through the Eyes of Madness

Last weekend, I got a chance to check out the first round games at the United Center. While I’ve always been more of an NBA fan, that’s definitely not something I’m going to pass up. Here’s what I observed:

UNLV-Gtech

The first thing I noticed, even before the game had started, was how numerous and loud UNLV’s fan section was. Although it makes since as the Rebs are the only game in town there (ok, the only real sports team), I didn’t know they had that big of a fan base. And other than Wisconsin, they had by far the best fan section for Friday. This is particularly impressive for two reasons:

#1) UNLV was by far the furthest school from Chicago playing at the United Center. With the possible exception of Georgia Tech, every other school there was within reasonable road-trip distance. If you’re going from Las Vegas to Chicago, you’re either buying a plane ticket, or it’s your major vacation for the year. Which brings me to point

#2) For every other area represented here, Chicago could be viewed as a destination city. I could see people from Wisconsin, Kansas, or Kentucky thinking “sweet, we’ll go down and see our team, and hang out in Chicago on the off day.” But people from Vegas were probably thinking: “man, this town’s lame. Not only is it cold after dark, but almost everything is closed by, like, four in the morning!”

Anyway, UNLV wound up being the more likable team, despite the fact that they were bobbling passes, rebounds, and dribbles so much that I thought they were playing with an NBA ball from the first half of this season. Additionally, GTech’s point guard, and thereby their whole offense, was borderline painful to watch. It was like watching Stephon Marbury, Gilbert Arenas, or Jamal Crawford, except if they weren’t natural scorers. In fact, the most impressive point guard in this game was the one that went 0-8 (it was ugly), and Tech lost largely due to the 5 second-rule being called on their PG. This is called so rarely that I feel compelled to explain that it is not the alternate version of the ten second rule used in areas that aren’t vacuumed regularly, but instead a rule created to prevent players from aimlessly dribbling or holding the ball for long periods of time while they’re being defended (note: I am pretty sure that the NBA has secretly disbanded this rule, as I see a borderline one at least twice in every game, and haven’t seen one called in the last five years).

Texas A&M CC-Wisconsin

This had the feel initially of one of those NCAA games you always want to be at. Wisconsin, a rare #2 seed absolutely nobody liked to make the Final Four, was playing the Texas A&M Corpus Cristi Islanders. It makes sense, since Texas is known for it’s many glorious islands. Anyway, the Islanders reminded me of one of the teams Globo Gym would have played in the first two rounds in “Dodgeball:” They’re mascot was a guy in a hula skirt with a Tiki mask (which is somehow less offensive than Chief Illiniwek), the cheerleaders had their skirts cut to look like grass skirts, and instead of the “#1” foam finger, they had foam hands shaped in the Hawaiian “hang loose” sign. Totally awesome, I know. Anyway, they got out to an early lead with a borderline reckless, Phoenix Suns-esque attack, and a center that Wisconsin had absolutely no idea how to defend (Chris Daniels, and yes, he’s actually on my under-the-radar NBA watch now).

In the second half, Wisconsin started their inevitable comeback. It was like being at a Wisconsin home game because of the crowd, and I always dislike it when one set of fans overwhelms the other at a “neutral” site for no reason other than geographic proximity. Wisconsin also reminds me of the 92-95 Knicks that threatened to destroy the NBA during its Golden Age, except without an inside presence anything like Patrick Ewing. They essentially have two scorers and a bunch of hackers out there, and the basic strategy is that you’ll get better calls if you commit several more fouls than the other team, since most officials want to call an “even” game. Anyway, one of their scorers, Cameron Taylor (note: just because his parents are terrible at spelling, doesn’t mean I have to be, too) saved them in the second half, after being completely non-existent in the first. Naturally, once Wisconsin catches up, the game is pretty much over, since the Islanders were gassed and only went about four deep. At the end of the game, I’m pretty disappointed about not getting to see the historic upset, however, I feel great about having picked Wisconsin to lose the next game. Also, MJ was at the game, which was cool. It’s strange that it’s still a little bit thrilling, even to the people in their 50s and 60s with us, to be in the same building with that guy.

Between games, we got out for lunch. Shockingly, there’s no Bulls/Blackhawks bar in the immediate vicinity – the only place to eat nearby is a Chinese take-out place that appears to specialize in egg rolls, pork fried rice, and heroin (note: I am reminded of the Hawks existence because we went by the Blackhawks statue on the way in and out from the parking lot. It includes a group of five old-timey looking hockey players on the front, and a long list of names on the side. I didn’t get a chance to read the names, but it took up an entire side of the statue, so I assume it is a list of everyone that has coached the ‘Hawks since the last time they won the Stanley Cup). We wind up walking five blocks to a Popeye’s, but somebody is going to make a mint opening a place like that up by the UC someday.

Niagra-Kansas

As expected, this wasn’t the most thrilling game, although the Purple Eagles were actually able to stay in it for the first ten minutes or so. Kansas looks really, really, scary good this year though – probably the best college team I’ve seen play since Ben Gordon and Emeka Okafor’s UConn team won it. They have four guys that look like they’ll be decent NBA players and about six other very solid contributors, and unlike most basketball teams with substantial individual scoring talent, they actually all play great team basketball on offense, both in the halfcourt and on fastbreaks. Since there wasn’t that much suspense going on in the court, we entertained ourselves by watching Illinois lead Virginia Tech for their entire game, then lose by two and mess up a perfect first round for the Big Ten. We later heard that they missed three free throws that could have iced the game. Feels like an appropriate end to this season for the Illini, actually.

Kentucky-Villanova

For the last game on Friday, we got to watch the Kentucky Wildcats against the Villanova…um…wild…cats. The mascots actually looked exactly the same, except that Kentucky’s cat wore a blue jersey, while Villanova’s wore white (by the way, Kentucky was in the home whites for this game. Confused yet?) Adding to the unintentional comedy was the fact that both sets of fans had C-A-T-S chants, and that both mascots actually looked a lot like Will Ferrel’s mascot costume from Old School. Anyway, I was thinking this would be the best chance I’d have in a long time to actually see two mascots fight at a game, but no such luck. Maybe Benny the Bull threatened to have his prison buddies step in if they tried to start anything.

This was actually the best game we saw Friday, both in terms of being relatively close throughout and of being played well, but there wasn’t a ton that jumps out. Neither team so much as attempted a fast break, but both were actually running offenses for most of the game, so there was still a natural flow. I think Scottie Reynolds is going to put up some great numbers for a thirty-win NBA team someday, though. And after watching the Bulls during the Tim Floyd-Bill Cartwright era, when they had seven or eight of those players at a time, I can pretty much spot them immediately now.

On to Sunday’s games…

Wisconsin-UNLV

Not only do I have UNLV winning this game, but I’m really starting to dislike the Badgers as a team. While the fans aren’t really any more obnoxious than the fans of any other team, they’re all over the place today, and I somehow can’t disassociate them from Packers fans, even though I know multiple Badgers fans from Chicago. They also do something resembling the Florida Gator chomp/clap, which makes sense since Badgers are known for crushing things with their powerful jaws, and had to all yell “suck!” after the UNLV fans chanted “Reeeeeebuuuullls.” That’s what I love about Wisconsin sports fans. They’re so intellectual. (Random question: If the UNLV Rebels were the South Carolina Rebels, would they have been forced to change their mascot by now?)

Anyway, I’m tired from being out on St. Patrick’s Day and taking people to the airport at 3:30 the night before, and I’m starting to think that while a deep run in the NFL, NHL, NBA, or even MLB playoffs takes more out of the players involved, there’s probably no tournament in sports more grueling for the fans than March Madness. I haven’t seen a vegetable all weekend, and if I hear another barely recognizable classic rock cover from a pep band, I might punch someone. All that said, it looks like the Wisconsin players were out later than me for St. Patrick’s Day, as they get off to their second consecutive horrible start, except that UNLV is actually used to playing decent teams and has some shooters, so they don’t really get a chance to catch up.

Kansas-Kentucky

Impressive showing by the Kansas fans for this game. While they weren’t very well-represented in round one, this felt like being at a Kansas home game, only in this case, it made me like the team more since Chicago is actually a legitimate neutral site for Kansas-Kentucky. Once Kansas starts pulling away in this one, I keep myself entertained with the following:

- Looking for Ashley Judd in the Kentucky fan section (no luck in either of Kentucky's games).
- Watching Randolph Morris on Kentucky play. Since I don’t pay attention to prospects before the NCAA tournament (other than the ones that absolutely can’t be ignored), I don’t really know if he’s planning to come out, or where he’s supposed to go in the draft, but this guy is an absolutely perfect fit for the Bulls right now. He’s a big guy that can score around the basket in multiple ways and get the other team’s bigs in foul trouble, which is exactly what they don’t have right now. He also runs the floor well, seems like he knows what’s going on on offense and defense (which is both more important and less teachable than NBA teams seem to think), and is enough of an inside presence that you could play him at the 4 or even 5 in the NBA without getting killed defensively.
- Watching USC annihilate Texas, which effectively killed my chances to win my pool (more because UNC is a lock for the Elite Eight now than anything else). Even though this was the exception, now would be a good time to point out what a lame and predictable tournament it’s been this year. I’m having one of my best brackets in years – through two rounds, only one of my Elite Eight teams is out and my Final Four is untouched – and I’m tenth in my 14-person pool, which includes one guy that forgot to fill his bracket out. And honestly, it would take a borderline miracle to finish in the top five. I think anyone’s bracket accuracy stats for this season have to be taken with a grain of salt, just like baseball power stats during the late 90’s, or NFL offensive numbers over the last four years or so.
- Finding out that Tim Floyd is the coach of USC and being even more shocked that they beat Texas. This proves that it’s impossible to beat an even half-decent team in any pressure situation if you have a bad coach and a bad point guard. It’s true in college, it’s true in the NBA, and it’s true in high school.
- Also, during this game, the NCAA was running a “greatest NCAA athletes” promo on the Jumbotron, and showed an MJ highlight clip which was predominantly Bulls highlights from the late 80’s and early 90’s. Not only was the highlight clip amazing, but afterwards, people realized that Jordan was at this game, as well, and gave him a standing ovation. (New random question: Does MJ buy a ticket to events at the United Center, or does he just walk up to the gate and say, “Hi, I’m the guy that the statue over there is of, do you think I can get in to catch a little of the game?”) But anyway, any day I can go to the United Center and give MJ a standing ovation is a good day.

The final verdict – I went 6-0 in the games I saw, didn’t get to see any crazy buzzer beaters, but did see multiple good games, and got to see a great team playing at its best. In fact, the only saving grace for my Florida over Kansas pick is that Kansas always somehow blows it in the tournament….so with any luck, maybe I’ll make that top five after all.

Who We Thought They Were

“I don’t like to live in the past; I think the past is for cowards. If you live in the past, you die in the past.”
- Mike Ditka

It’s hard to explain what it’s like being in Chicago with the Super Bowl approaching. It’s a bigger deal than the White Sox being in the World Series in 2005, or any of the Bulls appearances in the Finals, even though pretty much all of those teams were more dominant than the 2006 Bears. There are Bears signs, flags, shirts, and jerseys everywhere you look. I’ll almost definitely take crap for wearing my Lucky Bears Sweater tomorrow (since it’s just a plain orange-and-grey shirt with no Bears logo) as opposed to wearing a jersey or renting a giant grizzly bear costume (as one of my friends is actually doing). (Note: I have been superstitious about sports ever since I was a kid. The main reason for this was that I was a little bit out of shape in grade school – I realize it’s incredibly hard to believe now – so my dad had me do sit-ups during timeouts of Bulls games, which would supposedly help them rally. Since I grew up during the 90s, the Bulls almost never lost, and I assumed that it was working. Looking back, it may have had more to do with the fact that they had the two best players in the league and a coach who was so smart that he actually understood the NBA’s illegal defense rules at that time…but the sit-ups couldn’t have hurt.)

Anyway, growing up as a Bears fan in Chicago, you are constantly told about the greatness of the NFL’s premier franchise, to the point that it borders on brainwashing. I’ve watched black and white highlights of Red Grange, Bill George, and Sid Luckman and grainy footage of Dick Butkus, Gayle Sayers, Mike Singeltary, and Walter Payton. I became familiar with the stories of the legendary George Halas, the craziness of the dominating 1985 team, the team’s nine Championships, and it's Hall of Famers so numerous that even the oldest, most die-hard fans could not list them all.

Sadly, the games I grew up watching on Sundays did little to confirm these beliefs. Instead, the football heroes of my youth included Rashaan Salaam, Curtis Enis, Cade McNown, Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh, Curtis Conway, Jeff Graham, Bobby Engram, Carlos Huerta, Bryan Cox, Chris Zorich, Tom Waddle, Vinson Smith, Donnell Woolford, Todd Sauerbrun, Jim Miller, and Big Cat Williams. Many of those players were likable, and not all of them were bad players, but none of them possessed both the talent and the heart to become special players at the NFL level (I hesitate to say “professional” level because most of them could have been pretty good in the CFL or NFL Europe…). Anyway, I doubt I’m going to tell my grandchildren that I saw any of those guys play, unless they ask why nobody ever talks about any of the Bears teams between 1992 and 2001. The memorable players from that era were mostly guys who always had huge games against the Bears, like Barry Sanders, Cris Carter, and Brett Favre. Honestly, if Bears fans were fixating on history during that era, can you really blame us?

What the Bulls accomplished with their dynasty was to replace Chicago’s reputation for Al Capone and crime/corruption with Michael Jordan and basketball (even though it’s not entirely accurate – except during Jordan’s apex, football and baseball have always been bigger here, and while Chicago is a lot safer than it used to be, Illinois politics is as corrupt as ever). The White Sox destroyed the myth that Chicago was doomed to never again host a World Series, and also significantly damaged the conception that it’s a Cubs town exclusively (I actually don’t know anyone that isn’t a Cubs fan and still thinks this). What the Bears have accomplished is give Chicago a new set of gridiron heroes, who not only are still alive, but are actually still playing in the NFL and in many cases haven’t even peaked yet. Yes, they are in some ways an homage to the past – Jones and Benson recall the Bears history as a great running team, Urlacher can’t avoid comparisons to George, Butkus, and Singletary, Devin Hester conjures up images of Gayle Sayers returning punts, and Rex Grossman somehow manages to remind you of great gunslingers like Luckman and McMahon while simultaneously reminding you of all the crappy quarterbacks who have played for the Bears since. But, while those comparisons are obviously there, what this team has really done has been to enable Bears fans to stop living in the past. Instead, we can now look at the present and the future. And things look pretty good.

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Of course I’m picking the Bears in this game; I’m a huge homer. Here’s my rationale (I’m trying as hard as possible to exclude stuff that I’m hearing everywhere, so if I’m missing something obvious, that’s why. Well, that or I'm just missing it.):

- Yes, I’m aware that the AFC is unquestionably better than the NFC right now, but I’m also aware that the Heat and Cardinals are defending titles despite being from drastically inferior conferences. In fact, I’m pretty sure that both the gap between the AL and the NL and the gap between the NBA’s West and East is larger than the gap between the AFC and NFC.
- It also warrants mentioning that, as much as people tried to make cases for the Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Seahawks, and Saints as threats, the Bears absolutely DOMINATED the NFC this year. There’s no way you can spin it otherwise. Although you could say the same about the Seahawks last year.
- The Bears coaches learned from last year that, at least in the playoffs, you have to tailor your gameplan and account for the bigger threats on the opposing team. I don’t think they’re just going to give the Colts one look and let Peyton pick them apart like they did two years ago.
- Peyton Manning is one of those rare athletes who comes into every regular-season game as well-prepared for his opponent as he could possibly be. Rex Grossman can have a tendency to get a little cocky and be unprepared for games (along with his LA Bias ties, this is my theory behind his inconsistency this year), usually either when he’s been on a hot streak or when the Bears are playing an inferior opponent. Who do you think the extra week is going to help more?
- Also, although I’ll easily concede that Peyton is a vastly superior quarterback, if Madden gave players a “stones” rating, Grossman would probably be around an 88, and Manning would be at best a 73…
- All that said, I will say that the Colts have a clear advantage at quarterback, receiver, and um…um…wait, there are 25 starters on a football team (including base offense, base defense, kicker, punter, and kick returner), there must be more than three spots where the Colts have a clear edge if they’re supposed to be that much better…right?
- Unless you’re horrifically overmatched, it’s advantageous from a motivational standpoint to be the underdog. Remember, the media people who are picking the Colts are the same people who pencil the Arizona Cardinals in for a Wild Card spot every year, and who backed off on both the Bears and Colts during the middle of this season.
- The Bears scored as many points as the Colts did this year and game up significantly fewer. You can’t tell me that doesn’t bother you at least a little if you’re going for the Colts. And if you’re a yardage guy, that means the Saints, not the Colts, are the NFL’s best offense, and the Saints just played the Bears and managed to score only on a two-minute drill (for whatever reason NFL DBs lose the ability to cover receivers during the last two minutes of the first half. It doesn’t make sense to me either, but based on observation it can’t be denied), and on a fluke play involving an illegal screen.
- And of course, the Bears are the greatest franchise in the history of the NFL. All right, I’m ready for this game to start.